I Have Issues

I have many issues. This blog is my lifesaver yet I have neglected it. As Harlekwin said in a comment, my depression is definitely situational. I have dug myself a pit and am unable to figure out exactly how I am going to get out of it. I, once again, don’t have a decent TT. I also have not posted the results from my TITT weeks ago. This will sound like a pity party, but I just want to put it out there anyway, because it makes me feel better.

There is not enough time in the day. And I seem to be much, much more exhausted with the pain. To me it seems I am in permanent limbo with these pain issues. I only get better if I don’t do anything. But I am out of paid time off and had to take Monday off without pay. Stupid ass bus that hit me.

It has been rainy and so my commute is longer (WHY can’t SoCal people drive in the rain???) which means I have less free time and more pain from sitting in the car.

There have been some issues with money. Like a lack of food and gas money. And a serious lack of money/diapers/telephone service/seizure medication over at Ladybugs house, so I have been giving all I have to that.

I took the g-babes and their parentals to the snow because I knew it wouldn’t last and it was only 21 miles up the road. We had a great time, but Ladybug had at least one seizure which I witnessed. It was very brief and something her parents witness weekly, but I don’t. Honestly it upset me at levels I hadn’t even recognized until I started typing this and started bawling.

Mr. Vixen’s disability seems to be in permanent limbo. I do not make enough money alone. It has been since August. Any longer and I will lose my only car and my electric and water and possibly my sleeping quarters.

I feel like the biggest, stupidest, most idiotic person on the place of the planet. I haven’t shared with you all (the only people I can share with) most of the stuff that has been happening at the homestead. I talked about how my toilet doesn’t work, but I didn’t tell you all that the barn toilet I was using also broke nearly two months ago. Now I am forced to use the toilet in Cousin It’s house. That is 2.5 acres away. My blood sugar has been poorly controlled and meds have been changed/increased. The side effects are…ummm….toilet usage. Spontaneously and direly in the middle of the night. It hasn’t always been possible. It has been ugly. During a conversation with my aunt/landlady the day after Xmas, I was very honest with her. Nearly hysterical in trying to explain to her how impossible this situation is. The result: “You don’t not have a bathroom. You just have a bathroom that is inconvenient to get to.” I also never told you all that after I moved in I found out there was full ducting for a heater in the MiniCabin, but that they had “saved money” and purchased it without a furnace. So not only do I not have heat (and it has been in the 25-30 range nightly for three months), but I have a bunch of vents that let cold air in. I finally taped cardboard over all of them. We have a lovely electric heater my mother bought me for Christmas, but then our electric bill for the month (the kids don’t have heat in their ‘rooms’ either and so have to use space heaters) was $750. Insanity. I have a plan, but it cannot come to fruition without Mr. Vixen’s SSDI. Catch-22. The stupid part, I continue to pay rent and they continue to harass me about paying it on time.

So many things. All wrong. Most likely illegal. Family. Stress. I have all these things I want to say and write and create. But I come home and suffer silently in pain. Jeebus, this isn’t what I wanted this post to say. But I have to put it somewhere. Please don’t think less of me…Signature

EDIT: Also I have a ton of pictures I want to put up on my 365 and I actually did some kind deeds that I need to post also!! I feel crappy about my lack of posting stuff!

2nd EDIT: After that pathetically sad post, I have to add this video. Because I keep having to go back to it so I can stop crying. It makes me smile and if I keep hitting replay I can forget the ‘look’ when she had the seizure and I hear is “3, 2, 1 Doh”:

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16 Comments

  1. Sometime life is just crappy. Its hard to believe when you are in the depths of it all but just remember God only throws curve balls at people who can still catch them. thinking of you

  2. you don’t know me but I can only offer my sincere ‘sorry’ – sorry you have having a difficult time. I know my words can’t help but I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
    It does help to get it off you chest so keep blogging.
    This is so raw and honest. I can feel your despair but also know you have the answers deep within. May you have enough strength to get through.
    I hope this works out very quickly.This too will pass … is my favourite quote.

  3. praying for you, babe.

  4. OH honey, you do not have to suffer alone. You don’t know how much of that others, like me could have written.
    Life is not peachy.
    One minute at a time, and remember email me if you need to just get it out.

  5. You know you’re not alone. As far as your landlords response to your problems – there you should definitely seek the assistance of someone who knows about those things and has expirience. Or move.
    I also know the pain of money being tight, and having my car constantly on E (remember, I had a judge announce to an entire courtroom how bad my finances are!)
    And Ladybug. Well that’s just crappy and it makes me cry too. Babies shouldn’t have to be sick or in pain.

    I’m truely sorry you’re going through all of this at once – but you’re right: warmer weather is on the way. Life’s just a little easier when it’s warm šŸ˜‰

  6. You’ve taken a giant leap of faith sharing everything you have in your post today. I admire you for your honesty.

    I don’t have a TT for this week either and guess what? It’s not a big deal, there’s always next week.

    Please check your inbox later.

    *hugs*
    Harlekwin

  7. Mar

    At least we are in it together!!

    XOXO,

    Mar

  8. Take some comfort in knowing that you’re surrounded by people who love you and care for you. I’ll be thinking of you over here in the TN.

  9. I’d be scared if the CA natives had to drive on, heaven forbid, ice. But then without regular rain to wash the oil from the roads it’s not surprising how slippery they get.

    *hugs* It was nice to see the snow up on the mountains from here in RB. Remember, that which does not kill us only makes us stronger. Hang in there!

  10. OMG, I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through now. I hope it makes you feel better that we are all here and that WE CARE for you.

    I hope the pain gets away soon…and I hope things get better soon! You and your family will always be in my prayer.

    Sending you happy thoughts!

    (((HUGS)))

  11. (((hugs)))

    I wish I could make things better for you. Try and keep your chin up, things can only get better, right??

  12. malinthemiddle

    We need to find a way to get you some cash. How do you feel about a phone sex hotline? That was my pathetic attempt to make you smile. I am unbelievably sorry about how sucky things are right now. Can you get a food box from the food bank? I am actually serious about the new income streams–maybe get a website that can host ads? You are a wonderful writer. I would click on ads for you, babe. Do you have a paypal where people could send donations? I think you should let us help.
    Also, maybe your place you’re renting isn’t the right place for you? Maybe it is, but no potty? No heat? Seems like you could do better. Maybe you could rent a house with the kids? I wish I could make it all better, can you tell? ((hugs))

  13. Ahem! hint hint rockinwithfrigga hint hint

    Huh? What? Did someone say something? No, okay, I didn’t think so… šŸ˜‰

  14. Hugs for you V. And all the good thoughts and prayers and strength I have. I hope talking about it a little made you feel a little better.

  15. I agree on the PayPal thing…just put the link here…please.

  16. Sweetie, I wouldn’t think less of you at all. (((((hugs)))))

    I am soo sorry šŸ™ (((((((hugs))))))

    I’m glad you have put up a link for people to help.

    ((((((love you))))))

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