9:00am – Arrive at check in. Receive garbage bags, recycle bags, sweet orange vest, latex gloves, and long grabber thingy. Safety orientation: Don’t touch anything dangerous, watch for snakes, stay hydrated and picture tutorial on what poison oak looks like.
9:05am – Outfitted. Ready to go. Let’s go off alone, pick up garbage and take pictures. Planet saver, that is what I am.
9:10am – It’s warm out. Very little garbage. Lots of pictures.
9:15am – Damn. MP3 player battery died. Who the hell forgot the batteries for that in the car? Too bad extra camera batteries don’t fit. It’s ok. Quiet is good.
9:30am – Man it’s quiet out here. And warm. Why am I talking to myself?
9:45am – Lots of flower pictures. Hey look at that obscure trail. There is probably all kinds of garbage down there. Don’t see any of the other kids around. Kinda getting warm out here.
10:07am – Finding a lot of animal waste/droppings on this trail. No dogs allowed so what could it be? Mountain lion? Oh dear! What if it’s hungry? Can I stab it in the eye with the grabber thingy? Jeez it’s hot.
10:30am – End of trail. Crap, no way out. Who the hell decided I should walk alone? Where is everyone? Where am I? Hell? It’s hot enough.
10:37am – That shortcut ended. Must backtrack. Damn it’s hot.
10:42am – Made wrong turn. Dead end. Should have asked for a map. Back tracking. HOT.
10:50am – I am not going to make it. HOT. HOT. What was that noise in the bushes?
10:52am – Thank heavens. Shady spot in road. Sitting down in middle of road. Finishing last of water. HOT. HOT. HOT.
11:05am – It wasn’t this far out here. Hey, there is a car! Wave. I will just ask for a ride back. Too HOT.
11:06am – Hey, come back! Don’t just wave. I am dying. Thirsty and HOT.
11:15am – What idiot left the extra water bottles in the car!?!?! More rustling in the bushes. Can a person drink rattlesnake blood?
11:24am – Another shady spot in the road. Chest is starting to hurt. Do I have asthma? Wonder how long until they miss me.
11:26am – Can’t call for help. Same idiot left the cell phone in the car. Left arm has a bright red spot where there is no sunscreen. Feels like fire.
11:38am – Shady, grassy, picnic area!!!! Bench!!! BUGS love sweat. Hey, look a candy wrapper.
11:48am – Where the hell do you think you are going? Sit back down. Don’t move. Eventually a park ranger will find you. How can he miss this horrid orange vest?
12:01pm – Free t-shirt??? No I need an ambulance please.
I had a nice hike. I didn’t get much garbage, but some and that is what counts right? It was 90 degrees today. What idiot ordered that weather?