I Can't Breathe

But you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable,
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe ~ Anna Nalick, 2 am

Yesterday afternoon Funsize began bleeding. 911 was summoned and after an emergency c-section and 30 minutes of valiant effort by the doctors, my beloved grandson joined God as our angel.

As I held his tiny body with one arm and my grieving son with the other, I was seized by panic that for the first time in my life I am unable to make things better. I whispered in their ears my love for them, their beauty, their perfection. He was lovely. And perfect. Perfectly lovely.

I am broken. The pain is physical and grips me. Unable to cry, I stand by silently as I watch my son’s heart shatter into millions of icy, sharp, hard shards.

I cry now, at 4am and am unable to stop. Please keep Funsize and MacDougal in your hearts and prayers.

Collin Michael

5 lb 1 oz., 17.25″

Born 8/9/08, in our hearts forever.

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34 Comments

  1. I can’t sleep. Somebody please fix what happened, it can’t be real.

  2. I am so sorry. Tears and prayers are with you all…

  3. I am so very sorry. My God. You and your family are in my prayers.

  4. ((hug))

    There’s never a way to understand this kind of thing. Please take my blessings for you, your family, and particularly your genuine precious hearts.

  5. I am so sorry for your loss.

  6. DJ

    Vixen, I have no words. My thoughts are with you and your family. May your children find peace in your strength and may you find comfort among friends. DJ

  7. I’m so incredibly sorry! This is cosmically unfair! HUGS

  8. allie

    What sad news. You are all in my prayers.

  9. Oh darling I am so sorry, I wish I could be there with you, to hold you. Life is a mysterious thing and no one knows why things such as this come to be, but through faith we can survive. You know you are all in my prayers.

  10. Oh my gosh, I am soo sorry. My heart breaks for you and the family.

    funsize, Mac, you guys are in my prayers.

    Love you

  11. Flo

    I don’t have words. My heart is broken for you and your family. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

  12. Mar

    I have no words, just know I am praying for you.

  13. I pray God will keep you in his care and give you strength. You are in our thoughts and prayers.

  14. I am so sorry. I can’t imagine how you are feeling, but please know you and your family are in my prayers.

  15. I’m so sorry seems so inadequate. Prayers and virtual hugs to you and your family. There is no understanding when these things happen.

  16. I am so sorry this has happened to your family.

  17. Dad

    Our hearts are broken as yours is too, feel so helpless and unable to express the thoughts racing thru my mind. Love to everyone especially your son and daughter in law.

  18. There are no words. I also can’t say anything to make it better, but my heart is breaking for all of you. I am so very sorry.

  19. I love you guys and I am so sorry for your loss. I am so sorry.

  20. Vixen there are no words that can ease your pain now. Just wanted to let you know you and your family are in our prayers. I am so sorry…

  21. I’m so sorry for you and your family. I’ll keep you in my thoughts.

  22. I’m so sorry, Vixen. I really can’t even imagine how hard this must be. You guys are in my thoughts.

  23. I am sorry, I may be late in reading this, but nevertheless, I will still say a prayer for you and your family. I really don’t know what to say, but I pray for strength for you and your from this painful loss.

    Thanks for visiting my site and leaving me a comment. I do not know if you have been at Torrey Pines already, but it is a good place to start hiking, weather is nice and trails are not that difficult.

    My prayers for you and your family.

    Betchai

  24. Oh Vixen, I am so sorry – I truly wish there was a magic potion to make the pain go away. All I know to do is pray and breath (repeatedly). My deepest and most sincere sympathies to you and your family.

  25. Oh sweetie. I am so sorry. How terrible and shocking and so damn unfair. I lost my youngest over 12 years ago and I know the pain you and Funsize and Mac are feeling. I will pray for you all. I know nothing can comfort you right now except, perhaps, the image of my Brennan and your Collin together with all the other baby angels playing happily in heaven.

    HUGS!!!!!!

  26. Words can’t express how sorry I am for the loss of your grandson. I don’t know you – I just found your blog- but I can’t think of a more painful thing to happen to a family.

    I will say a prayer for you and all of your family.

  27. pam

    I am so very sorry for your loss. Crying for and with you can fix nothing, but it’s the only thing I’ve got. That and prayer. Your family will be in my prayers. God bless you all.

    {Hugs}

  28. Praying for you and your family… ((HUGS))

  29. that is so sad, im sorry to hear that.

    I hope you and your son are as ok as you can be.
    i know nothing will be the same again for you, but i hope the pain of it all fades a little soon. – take care xx

  30. i am truly sorry for your loss.

  31. So sorry for your loss. My geart goes out to you all.
    .-= Lora Giga´s last blog ..Lavender Aromatherapy =-.

  32. I am so sorry for you. It is very sad

  33. Oh,my God. I got teary eyes while reading your post. It was a sad story and I think every one can relate when someone you loved died. I am sure he will be in God’s hand. Be strong.

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