Shattered

I kneel before him and he stares at me with that puppy dog look I recognize since he was a boy. In his eyes I can see deep into his soul. I can hear his voice in my head. I lock my eyes to his and say out loud, “Yes you can. You can do it.” He shakes his head a bit, side to side. “No, I can’t”

I hold her hand tightly as she sobs. “I am so sorry”, she says. To herself, to him, to me, to the world. “No”, I say. “This is not your fault.” In her eyes I see her soul and in my head I hear her voice. “No”, I say again. “It is not your fault.”

Bear returns home that evening from their apartment. She weeps gently and tells me she got it all cleaned. “But there was so much blood, Mom.” She tells me God hates us. She tells me He does not deserve Collin. “No one. No one deserves that baby more than MacDougal.” I am silent.

The next morning I watch the sun rise. The day dawns as I weep. I see Him there, in the mix of light and dark. My soul reflects from His eyes. I can tell He hears my voice in His head, asking one thousand variants of “How can I…..?”. “You can”, He says. But I don’t think I believe it.

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16 Comments

  1. This is such a heartfelt and beautiful piece. I can only say: ((hug))

    It’s no one’s fault.

  2. There is nothing worse in this world than losing a child, and it’s NEVER anyone’s fault. *HUGS*

  3. Jen

    i’m so sorry. your family is in my prayers.

  4. It’s no one’s fault. I’m soo sorry that my funsize feels the guilt. This is a tregedy, I’m so very sad for all of you.

    God doesn’t hate you, altho I completely can understand the despair and anger that Bear is feeling.

    I sent you an email my friend.

    :(

  5. Beautifully written, even if I’m sorry that it’s there to be written about at all. My thoughts are with all of you.

  6. It was very brave of you to tell this story to start off with and then somehow you still managed to get it told in a beautiful way. Sometimes things happen in life that none of us can understand. I am thinking of you and your family. Hang in there.

  7. I’m sorry… There really isn’t anything I can say but I greive for you, your family and this great loss.

  8. I wish I could come and talk with them, to let them know they are not alone, that this happens…we lost our first, due to a ridiculous fluke. It hurt like hell, and I felt to blame, as did husband…but neither of us was.
    Hug them both for me, and tell them they are not alone please. I’m worried about all of you at the moment love.

  9. I’m so sorry.

  10. We’re thinking of you here in TN. I’m so so sorry.

  11. So sorry , thinking of you and praying for you all. God Bless and Keep You

  12. No words. So, so sorry.

  13. I’m so sorry Vix. You and your family are in my thoughts.

  14. Mallory

    You know those times when words are utterly inadequate and “I’m so so sooooo sorry” doesn’t say near enough and you wish so much that there was something you can do, anything you can do, to ease a friend’s pain but you know there is nothing but you hope that they will feel the love and the hug enclosed in the feeble envelope of words and know that they are they are in your thoughts and your prayers and in your tears too? This is one of those times.

  15. I’m so sorry to hear about your grandson. I cannot even imagine how you must feel. I’ll keep you & your loved ones in my thoughts and prayers.

  16. This is so full of sadness. I’m very sorry.

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