Although I could only watch you through the window and they told me it was hopeless, I felt your power and your strength. You were everything to me. Beauty, love, hope. Despair, doubt, and denial surrounded you, but your heart was a shining beacon that called to me silently, pleading for faith. I handed everything to you those days. My life, my future, my faith, my belief in God. And I have been so rewarded. Although I never would want to return to those days during which you suffered and were in pain, I do long for that conviction again. That complete faith. That sense of hope.
Looking back now, it seems so far away. How can four years have passed? In those four years you have given us great gifts of everyday life and you have scared me worse than I have ever been scared before. One thousand, four hundred and sixty days that I could not have lived without you. One thousand, four hundred and sixty days you have taught me about life and death, hope and faith; and I am grateful for every single moment of each one, good and bad.
|I kissed your fingers and forehead
So relieved you had arrived that early April morning
Hugged your mommy and left her to rest
The ringing phone interrupted my dreams of you
The frightened voice crying on the other end saying something was wrong with you, come quick
I gazed at you through the window, now with tubes and wires instead of a little pink hat
Doctors rocking my foundation with words about strokes and massive brain damage
“You can let her go. Unhook and let her be. We will support you.” They intoned quietly.
You whispered in my heart, “I am here. I am love. Have faith in me and God.”
Eleven days of hell on earth, watching through the window. Never hearing good news.
“We will take her home. We believe.”
One thousand, four hundred and sixty days we’ve had now. Every one of them a gift I cherish.
Today we celebrate your fourth birthday. A miracle.