who is he. where did my husband go. i want him back.
what do i do. where do i turn. who do i talk to.
at first it was to be expected. anxious. angry. scared. stressed.
i treated him like shit. i know. we both did. what do you do after 20-something years and someone gets sick, but there is no disease?
i get it. i still acted wrong at times, especially after a long day at one job and 6-8 hours at the one i picked up because he couldn’t work. i carried us. i don’t mind. i took what i could get. but during all that time, i still saw the person i married. not as often. but still very much there sometimes.
about six months ago he disappeared. now he is just. there. not happy, but not unhappy. OK, he says. the drugs work (?) he doesn’t want to die anymore. he ‘functions’. he isn’t sad, but i see no joy. he isn’t angry but i see no response. i am glad that ‘the world’ thinks he is okay. he can’t (won’t?) work. he can’t (won’t) make a decision. he can’t (won’t?) participate in life.
i am lonely. never felt this way before. life is hard right now. i’m unemployed and scared and freaked the fuck out and alone. he wants his cigarettes. otherwise he just ‘knows’ or just doesn’t care that things will be taken care of. we had brief conversations about how he could help, but that is all they are. sounds people make when no one is listening.
where is he? he has always been the instigator in our physical relationship. always, even after 25 years. we were both comfortable with that. but now he is gone. now, even i try. now, even i have screamed in the night the unsayable. at first i thought i could take it. but now there are no more brief kiss-goodnights even and i don’t know how to get around that.
really. i am a touchy/feely person. i don’t know how to get away from it. the loss of physical contact is like a giant, deep, dark, bloody, gaping whole in my side.
just put aside the fact that i can’t talk without him becoming defensive. i can’t move without him thinking something is wrong. can’t function without being attacked. BUT
mostly I miss a hug. a light kiss. just a touch. a hand squeeze. something that says hey, i still love you. or even hey, i don’t hate you.