How BiPolar Disorder Affects Me Today

who is he. where did my husband go. i want him back.

what do i do. where do i turn. who do i talk to.

at first it was to be expected. anxious. angry. scared. stressed.

i treated him like shit. i know. we both did. what do you do after 20-something years and someone gets sick, but there is no disease?

i get it. i still acted wrong at times, especially after a long day at one job and 6-8 hours at the one i picked up because he couldn’t work. i carried us. i don’t mind. i took what i could get. but during all that time, i still saw the person i married. not as often. but still very much there sometimes.

about six months ago he disappeared. now he is just. there. not happy, but not unhappy. OK, he says. the drugs work (?) he doesn’t want to die anymore. he ‘functions’. he isn’t sad, but i see no joy. he isn’t angry but i see no response. i am glad that ‘the world’ thinks he is okay. he can’t (won’t?) work. he can’t (won’t) make a decision. he can’t (won’t?) participate in life.

i am lonely. never felt this way before. life is hard right now. i’m unemployed and scared and freaked the fuck out and alone. he wants his cigarettes. otherwise he just ‘knows’ or just doesn’t care that things will be taken care of. we had brief conversations about how he could help, but that is all they are. sounds people make when no one is listening.

where is he? he has always been the instigator in our physical relationship. always, even after 25 years. we were both comfortable with that. but now he is gone. now, even i try. now, even i have screamed in the night the unsayable. at first i thought i could take it. but now there are no more brief kiss-goodnights even and i don’t know how to get around that.

really. i am a touchy/feely person. i don’t know how to get away from it. the loss of physical contact is like a giant, deep, dark, bloody, gaping whole in my side.

just put aside the fact that i can’t talk without him becoming defensive. i can’t move without him thinking something is wrong. can’t function without being attacked. BUT

mostly I miss a hug. a light kiss. just a touch. a hand squeeze. something that says hey, i still love you. or even hey, i don’t hate you.

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21 Comments

  1. u call me anytime. i mean it. u know where to find me.

  2. My heart aches for you…and I pray for you.

    ellen b’s last blog post..Saturday ~ Beach Gatherings…

  3. *HUGS* I’m so sorry! I can’t imagine how hard that has to be. *HUGS*

    Lesley’s last blog post..Razorback Flu?

  4. Oh honey…I kind of know how you feel and there’s no mental illness at work here. I wish I could hug you in person. HUGS

  5. Vixen, I am sorry, I don’t know what to say, it must be hard, I can’t imagine how painful and hard it must be. I will keep you in my prayers.

    betchai’s last blog post..Hiking Mt Woodson

  6. (((Hugs))) I don’t know what else to say, but we’re here if you need to vent.

    Anna’s last blog post..I’m Rolling Right Along…

  7. I’m so very sorry that you are going through this. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

    ((hugs))

    MrsB’s last blog post..Monday, Monday….

  8. This must be so difficult for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Anne’s last blog post..Foods I Like That You May Not

  9. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. Hugs.

  10. ((hugs))
    I’m not sure what to say except there is always a light at the end of tunnel.
    Hang in there.

  11. I wish I knew how to make things better…I have a friend whose husband also suffers from this, so I know a little of what you are going through…still I wish I could fix it for you… (((((HUGS))))

  12. Lee

    What a lot of people don’t understand is that when someone struggles with a mental illness, such as bi-polar disorder, the whole family shares in the struggles with that disease. I’m sorry you are having such a hard time, and I hope that you find a way to have more good days than bad.

    Lee’s last blog post..Confusing Positions

  13. I’ve been around the bipolar circle, from your husbands point of view, many many lifetimes ago. I treated my loved ones like crap because I didn’t feel like there was another way to do it. I wish I could say something to help you, other than that it helped make me who I am today, and it sucks very, very much for everybody. Theres a lotta folks in Oak Ridge who love you and yours, and you’re in a lot of prayers, for what its worth.

    Best,
    Jake

  14. My heart is aching for you my friend. You are in my thoughts and prayers

    xxxxx

  15. Oh hun I feel your pain..only on the flip side of it, I am bipolar also. Come check my blog out, I blog about it from time to time. Or if you ever need an ear, I am here too!

  16. I’m so sorry for what you are going though. Have you looked into a support group for family members of people with mental illnesses. Just having people to talk with that are going through the same thing might be a little comfort.

    Jessica’s last blog post..Star Trek Advance Screening=Awesome!

  17. Holy Crap. That is awful. I’d give you a big hug if I were there. But that’s not the same as from your husband. I got nothing…. just feeling bad for you and hoping for better.

    Julia’s last blog post..The Mystery Bag

  18. I found you through blogher and I’m so glad I did. I totally 100% understand…and it’s the reason my husband is no longer on his meds. AFter 36 years of “dealing” with it the meds were “unnatural” to him. And it was weird for me too. I understand the not being unhappy but not being happy either…the complete void of any emotion.

    And now I deal with it with my son as well. My thoughts are with you. All of you…because as someone said when one person in the family is dealing with a mental disorder, you all deal with it.

  19. It’s such a horrible disease…

  20. My heart is breaking for you. My 16 year old daughter has Bipolar Disorder ( and Anorexia Nervosa), too. We’ve been to hell and back over the last two years literally living minute by minute just struggling to keep her alive. Finally, I think we have her on the right combination and dosages of the meds and therapies, because she is really starting to come back. The entire family struggles along with the one with the mental illness. It’s awful, it’s exhausting and the complete financial wipeout that goes along with these things just makes everything worse. I’m sorry you have to deal with all of this.

    Jessica The Rock Chi’s last blog post..Cold Shower

  21. I agree with the comment here. Bipolar shouldnt be a stigmatised illness.

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