My kids are my life. I can’t deny it. I never took the time to do things for me, to make sure when my parenting journey was done I had something to fall back on and I don’t regret that. From the moment Nanny kicked in my womb, I was hooked. My mind made its choice and I never looked back. Every single decision I have made has been from the point of view of how it would affect/effect my kids. Right or wrong, that is how I live.
I knew that there was something seriously wrong with my back in early June. I kept it to myself. Obviously I couldn’t hide my pain issues, but I assured my family that it was my usual “back is out” stuff. I had a mission, get my kids altogether on a vacation. Doesn’t sound difficult to most, but since they are all adults now and have their own lives to live, scheduling such an event seemed unlikely to occur ever again. My resolution to do such a thing had to do a lot with Great. I am a realist, in spite of the fact that I know she may live to be 100, I know she may not. When my sister-from-another-mother, Mar’s, Grandmother passed I identified with her pain so much. I felt I couldn’t risk that this chance wouldn’t come again or be lost forever. It wasn’t just that I wanted my kids and grandkids to go see her, oh no. I wanted to be there to see them see her. To watch her with them and them with her. It wasn’t selflessness, it was selfishness. I wanted to be a part of their journey. It become all I had to look forward to in life.
I knew it wouldn’t be comfortable for me, traveling in such pain. But I pressed on. I knew it would be hard for Mr. Vixen, but I blindly pushed on.
One night, at my dad’s house, I was in so much pain the only sleep I could get was while sitting at his dining room table with my head in my arms.
And it was worth it. For me, it was worth it.
I hear in their voices, the concern of my parents that I “did this for my kids.” I think they feel that I sacrificed too much, for my kids. But I didn’t. You see it wasn’t selflessness that drove me, it was selfishness. I wanted to do it for myself. It is who I am.
The trip was a success, in spite of everything. I didn’t get to do anything but lie around in pain, except the most important thing for me: I watched them all together, enjoying life, and visiting with Great. I watched her face glow with joy while conversing with my kids. I watched my grandbabies overcome their natural shyness and fall in love with their Great-great Grandma just as I knew they would. I watched my kids do the things I used to do at the Cabin I so dearly love. My perfect place. My peace place. My heart place. And my joy knew no bounds.
So I have no regrets it. No matter how much I am suffering now. No matter how worrisome some slight loss of function could be to some, it nothing as scary to me as the idea that those moments may have been lost. But it wasn’t for them, it wasn’t selfless.
I have a lot of time on my hands now. To sit and think. To re-evaluate life. To recall what is important and to prepare myself better to grab every.single.moment. Life moves quickly and too often moments are missed. I want to live each day to its fullest potential. I want to make mistakes and take chances. I want to be a part of life, not just a bystander watching the world rotate.