Selfish, Not Selfless

My kids are my life. I can’t deny it. I never took the time to do things for me, to make sure when my parenting journey was done I had something to fall back on and I don’t regret that. From the moment Nanny kicked in my womb, I was hooked. My mind made its choice and I never looked back. Every single decision I have made has been from the point of view of how it would affect/effect my kids. Right or wrong, that is how I live.

I knew that there was something seriously wrong with my back in early June. I kept it to myself. Obviously I couldn’t hide my pain issues, but I assured my family that it was my usual “back is out” stuff. I had a mission, get my kids altogether on a vacation. Doesn’t sound difficult to most, but since they are all adults now and have their own lives to live, scheduling such an event seemed unlikely to occur ever again. My resolution to do such a thing had to do a lot with Great. I am a realist, in spite of the fact that I know she may live to be 100, I know she may not. When my sister-from-another-mother, Mar’s, Grandmother passed I identified with her pain so much. I felt I couldn’t risk that this chance wouldn’t come again or be lost forever. It wasn’t just that I wanted my kids and grandkids to go see her, oh no. I wanted to be there to see them see her. To watch her with them and them with her. It wasn’t selflessness, it was selfishness. I wanted to be a part of their journey. It become all I had to look forward to in life.

I knew it wouldn’t be comfortable for me, traveling in such pain. But I pressed on. I knew it would be hard for Mr. Vixen, but I blindly pushed on.

One night, at my dad’s house, I was in so much pain the only sleep I could get was while sitting at his dining room table with my head in my arms.

And it was worth it. For me, it was worth it.

I hear in their voices, the concern of my parents that I “did this for my kids.” I think they feel that I sacrificed too much, for my kids. But I didn’t. You see it wasn’t selflessness that drove me, it was selfishness. I wanted to do it for myself. It is who I am.

The trip was a success, in spite of everything. I didn’t get to do anything but lie around in pain, except the most important thing for me: I watched them all together, enjoying life, and visiting with Great. I watched her face glow with joy while conversing with my kids. I watched my grandbabies overcome their natural shyness and fall in love with their Great-great Grandma just as I knew they would. I watched my kids do the things I used to do at the Cabin I so dearly love. My perfect place. My peace place. My heart place. And my joy knew no bounds.

So I have no regrets it. No matter how much I am suffering now. No matter how worrisome some slight loss of function could be to some, it nothing as scary to me as the idea that those moments may have been lost. But it wasn’t for them, it wasn’t selfless.

I have a lot of time on my hands now. To sit and think. To re-evaluate life. To recall what is important and to prepare myself better to grab every.single.moment. Life moves quickly and too often moments are missed. I want to live each day to its fullest potential. I want to make mistakes and take chances. I want to be a part of life, not just a bystander watching the world rotate.


WW~This Young Lady Took The Greased Pole Climb Seriously


Pa, can I ride Bunny into town instead of riding in the wagon?


  1. ((hugs))
    I hope that I am even 1/2 as great a mom as you are!
    .-= Mrs.B´s last blog ..Mrs. B. Reads…Pride & Prejudice & Zombies! =-.

  2. Sounds sort of familiar. My children don’t have any older relatives, I wish they did.

    Don’t forget to stay on top of the pain from surgery, ms. almost nurse says, because the pain is much worse if you take the meds later than scheduled and pain relief is a HUGE part of your healing process.

    I’m so happy you got to see the miracle of many generations connecting to one another.

    Love. Take care of yourself my sister!!!!
    .-= JaniceNW´s last blog ..Ten More =-.

  3. What a beautiful post.
    .-= Tammy´s last blog ..Laughter in the Rain =-.

  4. maybe it is not selfishness either, it is love. i admire your love for your family and yourself, listening to your heart despite the pain. i hope you continue to feel better.

  5. I’m glad you got to see your kids with their Great. I do hope all goes well in your recovery, too.
    .-= ellen b´s last blog ..ABC’s of the Word ~ W =-.

  6. I don’t see anything selfish in what you did. You gave your kids, and their great great grandma wonderful memories, not just yourself.

    I hope you heal quickly, and are back to your old, yet improved, self in no time.
    .-= jenn´s last blog ..Show Off Your Success =-.

  7. Dag nabbit…you brought tears to my eyes! You did a wonderful thing and I see your point very well! Enjoy, live, rejoice!
    .-= Anna´s last blog ..Dogs and Baths =-.

  8. I absolutely loved this post. So beautiful, honest, and well-written. I’m glad you were able to get your whole family together for what is sure to be an everlasting memory for all 🙂
    .-= Jaden´s last blog ..Blog: Journal or Exhibition? =-.

  9. Mar

    I have tears POURING down my face.

    For this very reason Noodle and I will be leaving on Weds. to see my other grandma.

    I question every day if I did everything I could to make sure she got to know Grandma well enough and if she will remember the things I do.

    The one thing I think I miss the most and know I will never have again is the smell of the garage. Can’t really explain it but I so wish I could bottle it up and have it forever.

    I just realized that today is 4 months since we lost her. Thank you my dear friend. I love you so!

  10. Vixen, I’m sorry! I’ve been so busy that I haven’t been by. You little sweetie. You would have been freaked, were it not for better living through pharmaceuticals, eh? You’re a good mom. It shows.
    .-= Wacky Mommy´s last blog ..Internet, I’m cheating on you =-.

  11. Wow … I’ve just spent a little while catching up here and wanted to stop to compliment you on this lovely post and wonderful reminder for the rest of us. Wishing you a speedy and full recovery!
    Hugs and blessings,
    .-= storyteller at Small Reflections´s last blog ..T-13 Color Carnival – Pastel Roses =-.

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