“Silence is a fence around wisdom”

To say that it has been quiet around this blog is quite an understatement, right? I wish I could say that life has been fun, busy, crazy, exciting…..you know, anything would sound good at this point. The truth is not as attractive. The truth hangs like a puffy, gray cloud high in the sky. It doesn’t do anything but float about, blocking the sun in spurts and then moving along across the horizon, leaving you wondering why it was there at all.

Last week I went to meet some lovely ladies at a late lunch downtown for a ‘tweet-up’. They were all young, intelligent, well-spoken, well-educated and, most importantly, doing something in their lives. Young mothers, balancing family, children and careers; be they in the home or outside. At one point someone asked me what I do. I found myself without words. What do I do? After a slightly uncomfortable silence (at least for me), I shrugged and murmured, “Nothing.” One of the bright, cheery and obviously thoughtful women chimed in, “She grandmas” and everyone chuckled.

I have been pondering since then, what this blog is for me. And, in fact, what my life is for me. My lack of submitted posts isn’t exactly for a lack of writing, but more of a lack of what I want to write about. I fully understand that this lull in my activity isn’t going to last forever (I hope and pray, anyway). And truthfully, not a lot of things worth writing about are happening right now. Also, since my blog has become more well known in ‘family’ circles, I don’t feel comfortable using this space as a place to bitch about how such-and-such made me angry or disappointed me or whatever.

The biggest block I have is me, myself and I. It has always been my way to find a positive light in every situation, I am an expert at locating the silver lining. I shy away from or avoid people who bring me down with constant complaining. So lately I don’t post because all I can think of to share or question daily is negative. I refuse to allow myself to become what I have always most avoided in life. I won’t allow myself to indulge in daily complaints or even just negative thoughts (at least in print).

I am working out what I want to say. Trying to find my voice again. The actuality is:  I don’t know exactly who I am anymore.

I am a career employee- someone who worked, full time my entire adult life, suddenly jobless. I am a long-term mommy, suddenly without children to care for daily. I am an active, young, outdoorsy girl, suddenly forced to docility inside a body that is aging faster than my mind is.

I have many ideas swirling around. Who knows how or even if I can pursue them. Whatever I choose to do, I will do it here with you. This place, ever changing and evolving, is where I can use my voice. It is a place where I am proud to be me, whoever I am.

Here I can ask the questions I need to ask and hear the answers I need to hear.

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13 Comments

  1. My opinion? No matter how much “society” likes to focus on what you DO, it’s who you ARE that’s more important. I think who we ARE is constantly evolving. Fluid. It’s the journey that’s important. How we experience it, the attitude we carry with us, and the way we treat others are what it’s all about.

    For what it’s worth, the woman I’ve come to know through the words here (and at Twitter) is phenomenal, caring, compassionate, funny….a friend. And that’s pretty wonderful.

    Enjoy your journey. We’ll be here.
    .-= PsychMamma´s last blog ..Embracing Holland =-.

  2. Vixen, you’re amazing no matter how you refer to yourself! And as PsychMamma said, you are so caring and compassionate. I am fortunate to call you friend!
    .-= Anna´s last blog ..I Love Photography =-.

  3. You, my lady, are a feisty Vixen who will never be put down no matter what the situation you find yourself in! Things suck now, but you WILL prevail! *HUGS*
    .-= Lesley´s last blog ..My bags are packed, I’m ready to go… =-.

  4. can relate. we’ll talk soon, okay?
    .-= Wacky Mommy´s last blog ..summertime, summertime, sum-sum-summertime =-.

  5. Oh, I hear you loud and clear… I am facing an awful lot of that myself. I find the writing to be very cathartic (but I self-censor, too…)
    .-= Tammy´s last blog ..That’s Me in The Corner =-.

  6. I still come by everyday, and will continue to do so. When you feel like writing again, you will. In the meantime, know I am thinking about you and wishing you well.
    .-= jenn´s last blog ..Top Droppers ~ August =-.

  7. I’ll be here to see what you discover!
    .-= Mrs.B´s last blog ..An E-zine for Young Pagans! =-.

  8. Those times spent searching usually come through with fruitful thoughts and direction and purpose in the end. The recession is starting to break ever so slowly. Your potential remains to grow inside and will bloom again. 🙂
    .-= Julia´s last blog ..Random Tuesday Thoughts =-.

  9. oh vixen, i feel the emotions in your words, how i wish i can come to you and hug you, i know, you don’t live that far from me at all.
    .-= betchai´s last blog ..Is It the Lion Inside the Cage or the Man? =-.

  10. Hello Vixen – your words touch me deeply, as I can so relate. Life harly ever holds back when doling out punches… We think so alike, I think we shall have to meet one day. All the best to you.
    .-= Stine´s last blog ..I Have A Brat In Africa =-.

  11. I think these wordless times come in phases. Just hang in there and you’ll find your voice again.
    .-= A Free Man´s last blog ..Still in peaceful dreams I see the road leads back to you =-.

  12. I came over to see how you are. I’m always thinking about you. Anyway, recently I got a case of the blogging blues as I call it and I just took a break. It really helped. I think any long term blog goes through struggles as the writer of the blog struggles and without struggles in our lives, how would we grow. Personal blogs where every day is perfect and life is always fabulous somehow just don’t ring true. Anyway, like you, I’m the eternal optimist. Write when you want. All your faithful readers will still be here.
    .-= Mountain Woman´s last blog ..Doing the Tourist Thing; Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream =-.

  13. I am so completely with you … I think you mentioned something about a bottle of a wine and a pry bar to un-stick my stuck-ness … what’s halfway between here and there – Denver? 😉 Until then, here’s to figuring it out … no doubt it will be a doozy of a celebration when it happens…
    .-= Lisa – Life is Like a Box of Legos´s last blog ..If you build it, they will come … =-.

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