Vixen
It’s Me Not You
It was my inability to let go. My need to prove something. I don’t know what. That I was worthy? That I was lovable? That I was innocent? That I didn’t ask for it? That it wasn’t my fault? That I was a child?
It was my own self doubt and self inflected loathing that made me continue to seek you out. It was me, not you, seeking answers to questions I didn’t know I had. It was my need to convince myself that you didn’t make the decisions you made.
No matter how ugly it got, I still stayed. I could plainly see how dysfunctional it was, yet I stayed. Until I had given everything I had to give. Until there was nothing left for me to offer. No part of me undamaged, unscathed, uncut.
It was me, not you, who had to let go. Let go completely. With all my heart and soul. Released from myself.
I have never been more comfortable in my own skin. More at peace with my soul. More accepting of my hearts wishes and desires. More in touch with my family.
It was me, not you.
Searching For Healthy
I wrote this post while participating in a blog tour conducted by Clever Girls on behalf of Dannon. I have been compensated for my time commitment to the program but my opinions are my own.
For more information and recipe ideas, visit www.oikosyogurt.com or www.Facebook.com/oikos. ; I was selected for this sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective, which endorses Blog With Integrity, as I do.
So last week I went for my check up and things are going okay. My blood sugar is staying in a better place….not perfect but the doctor was satisfied. She also said my bad cholesterol came back down from the outer stratospheres! My good cholesterol, however, is still low. She suggested cardio workouts and higher protein intake.
Just my luck that this week I was given the opportunity to try Dannon’s new yogurt which:
- Dannon® Oikos® is created through an authentic Greek straining process which gives it a rich and creamy-thick texture.
- Dannon® Oikos® Plain and Fruit on the Bottom contains 0% fat, while the Dannon® Oikos® traditional blended varieties contains about 3% fat. Both are an excellent source of protein, twice that of most regular lowfat yogurts.
Twice the protein sounded good to me. My issue (don’t I always have one?) is that I have never been fond of yogurt for purely texture reasons. I have tried and tried to incorporate it was a part of my new diet….but I always give up after a few days because all the yougurt I had previously tried doesn’t agree with me. I had to force myself to eat it. To me, yogurt is slimy, watery and has a bitter aftertaste. I was not a poster child for yogurt consumtion.
At BlogHer in the expo I tried some and truth be told, I wasn’t sure it was really yogurt. BlogHer was a whirlwind of new tastes, sensations, and product and by the time I was home I figured I must be mis-remembering it.
Luckily, through the Clever Girls Collective I was able to try it again (during a more calm and less exciting time of my life). I purchased four flavors and took them for breakfast every morning this week at work. YES, every morning! I have not fallen off the yogurt wagon this time! I am going tonight to buy more because I have found my new go-to breakfast! If they come out with more flavors (like lime-hint hint) I may even add one in the afternoon for my snack.
This stuff is amazing. Perhaps they should just call it another name, since it is nothing like any yogurt I have ever had. It is thick and creamy, just a perfect consistency! The tastes are amazing. So far I have tried the blueberry, strawberry (twice) and the vanilla. I am not a big fan of sweets and these flavors are rich and enjoyable without tasting too sweet. It is more of a fresh flavor, I guess. The vanilla smells so good someone passing by my cubicle asked if I was having pudding for breakfast!
I can’t believe I finally have found one thing to eat everyday that is good for me and tastes good! This change of lifestyle for me has been mostly about giving things up and just settling for ‘okay’. Not anymore. I hope that I can find other foods as I continue on this quest for health (and weight loss), but at least for now I have this yogurt!
I have partnered with Dannon to help promote the Dannon Oikos Greek Yogurt Series. I have been compensated for my time commitment to the program, which includes writing about the promotion and product. However, my opinions are entirely my own and I have not been paid to publish positive comments.
A Secret In The Hand. Or Was That A Bird? Whatever.
Just when I wonder…”what oh what will I write about now?” the fabulous Everyday Mama comes up with a blog-hop that really makes me think! Because, I have shared so much here, are there really 25 things you DON’T know about me?
Digging as deep as I can…Here are (I hope I can get to 10, but trying for) 25 things you don’t know about me:
- Every other first born female in my family (going back generations) had twins. I am that ‘every-other’ generation and I am the first born female. I do not have twins. Although I did marry one!
- My first job was in a tropical fish store. I was 13 and I gave the wrong change. The guy called me a thief and the owner convinced him it was just a mistake. I cried. After that I just cleaned tanks.
- When we played ‘army’ in the neighborhood I always volunteered to be the nurse.
- In fourth grade I was teacher’s pet.
- In fifth grade I was ‘put up’ to sixth grade the first week of school. (yea, I skipped a grade)
- My dad taught me to ride a motorcycle at age 9. My first bike was a blue Honda 70.
- Even better, he taught me to bait a hook and fish at age 5.
- There is only one thing I hate about SoCal: The lack of river fishing. I need some rushing water. STAT.
- I went snowshoeing with a youth group in junior high through the Yosemite back country to a cabin way out in the woods. There was no electricity and we read Call Of The Wild out loud to each other until late in the night. It was the best night’s sleep I have ever had in my entire 48 years.
- I have seen many dead bodies through my work at hospitals over the years and I was okay with it.
- One time, though, it wasn’t okay and it wasn’t at work. Some day, maybe, I will tell that story.
- All I ever wanted to be growing up was a veterinarian.
- As an young adult, I only wanted to be in criminal justice.
- Now, I just want to be a vet again. Mostly, because I need one and can’t afford it.
- I worked as a ‘scab’ during the grocery strike. It was great money and we really needed it. But 70 hours a week isn’t something I could have sustained for long, so I was glad when it was over.
- I took three years of French in high school, was pretty fluent and wanted to be an exchange student my senior year. I can’t remember a lick of it now.
- I was president of the Science Club and in the spirit club, at the same time (I was a geek/popular chick blend–I belonged everywhere and nowhere).
- I played a GREAT right wing in PAL soccer.
- I split my leg open in a motorcycle accident at 14. I wasn’t driving, a friend of my mom was and we went over a bump. I flew off and hit a tree.
- I went to an emergency room in a teeny tiny town and got sewn up by what I am sure was an 18 year old crazy kid posing as a doctor.
- Three days later I had a red line running up my leg. After that I was put in isolation and my wound was left open to heal from the inside out. I had 17 different kinds of infection, including staff.
- I had cosmetic surgery at 16 and 18 to try and remove the scar.
- I still adore my husband. Even though we have been together since I was 13 and I am now 48. Or despite that fact.
- My dad bought us a pony named Chocolate when I was 15. He was a mean, mean pony who kicked and bit. He also ran me into a tree. His name should have been Houdini, because he was an expert at escape.
- Chocolate did not live with us for long.
OH wow, I did it! I am so proud of myself! If you want to challenge yourself too, head on over to EverydayMama’s bloghop! The more the merrier.
Let’s Talk Feet. Heels. Toes. Arches. And Hoofs.
So as stories go, this one is your average “oh I accidentally put my foot underneath my horse’s hoof, which I was holding HIGHish above the ground, and it landed on my toes” story.
It hurt. A lot. I am sure Calypso thought I had lost my mind as I pounded my hoof pick into the side of the shed, while moaning sounds were very similar to cuss words. But I couldn’t cuss because the grandkids were there.
Having painful feet is not new to me. I have plantar fasciitis and at times it is so bad, I can barely walk. Really painful. (not quite as painful as a 1,000-pound horse’s hoof, but still painful). Now I don’t often (never) where flip flops to work, but I did today. Mostly because I couldn’t fit those purple toes into my dress shoes. Luckily for me my work was understanding (although they don’t know I put my feet up on my desk and snapped this picture…that I did on the sly)
The point of the picture (besides showing off those sexy purple sausages) was to show how great looking these shoes are! But more importantly, they make my feet feel wonderful. Not just good, but really wonderful. I have zero plantar pain since I have been wearing them (everyday since BlogHer) and I am just amazed. I have used orthotics and had some relief, but not like this. And inserts don’t work in flip flops, which is what I wear everyday here in Sunny Diego.
The story of how my arches came to love me again began during BlogHer’11, when I was invited to the “Healthy Feet Fit Suite!” hosted by Orthaheel and Weil Integrative Footwear, where I was given the flip flops to try. Even more exciting than the free sandals was the link to their website. I had NO IDEA you could get good-for-your-feet shoes that are also super cute too! The only orthotic shoes I have seen before looked like old lady shoes or nurse’s shoes (no offense to other old ladies besides me or nurses).
I simply must get these (SQUEEE!!!!! SUPER CUTE) Melissa slip-ons for work.
I.just. must. have.these.now.==============================>>>>>>
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Disclosure: I was invited to the Healthy Feet Suite at BlogHer’11 and was given those awesome green flip flops. I was not asked to blog or review this product, but chose to do so because I liked them ALOT. All views, opinions, and horse injuries are mine.That Inevitable Post (about BlogHer ’11)
There is nothing better for the soul than hanging out with 3,000 fellow bloggers who love you unconditionally for who you really are. And then there is BlogHer.
(Sarcasm, people. It’s sarcasm!)
I am sure those of you who did not attend really don’t care to hear about my BlogHer experience. And those who did attend probably took away something different than I did. In the end, I am going to write this recap because I want to. (see how empowered BlogHer left me?) This is something I want to remember forever! (it seems your memory is the first thing to go….)
BlogHer 2011 – My Thoughts in Bullets….(it was a suggested way to post in one of the sessions I attended-I am applying what I learn).
Special thanks to the lovely, kind, sweet and FUN Mo for taking me under her wing and showing me the ropes!!!
- Day 1: People watching. What do I expect when I say “I just wanted to say Hi” to a complete stranger? (maybe more than an uncomfortable glance and a tepid dismissal) Also inches (!) from Ree, The Pioneer Woman (but didn’t say Hi, because well…see previous sentence)
- Day 1: Expo – wow free stuff and food. Really nice people, gives you a sense of power to know people value our opinions
- Day 1: People’s Party – Food was yummy, puppies are cute, party seemed listless and I couldn’t get The Blogess’ attention (I tried waving and multiple texts, but she was being hogged by another famous blogger); however, on my way out I hugged Loralee (J’adore her, best thing ever!!!)
- Day 1: Clever Girl’s Party – real life faces/hugs to go with twitter handles (I love you @AmazingGreis) , fun sponsers, champagne, dance off, great time and my first run-in with the GORGEOUS Dre.
- Day 1: Summary: Don’t carry bags, get a room
- Day 2: Working at registration you get to meet all kinds of people! (whether they want to meet you or not-it’s kind of like they are hostages) Including theBHJ!
- Day 2: Session on cyberbullying. Okay, truth, I went to meet Queen of Spain. I did not raise my hand when asked if I was bullied, because I haven’t been. Still it was interesting and at lunch I met a new person who missed the session and was able to share info that may help her.
- Day 2: Lunch: Operation Glory. Cross “being in a flashmob” off my list of things to do! See video HERE, I can’t see me but my husband did so I must have not dreamed it
- Day 2: Session: essential blog content development. Didn’t get to stay for the double session, but got some great ideas.
- Day 2: Session: Old-school bloggers – MY #1 OBJECTIVE while attending BlogHer was to meet Busymom in person! Goal accomplished with bonus of meeting my #2 idol Mommy Needs Coffee! Also LIZ! Oh. and the session was GREAT.
- Day 2: Voices of the Year. Amazing. Many tears and laughs. Please go read ALL the posts. They are amazing.
- Day 2: Summary: Exhausted went home early and missed all the parties, sad little old lady that I am.
- Day 3: Morning volunteering again
- Day 3: Session: The Unexpected Viral Explosion- loved this session too. And later at the parties I ran into Nerdy Apple Bottom many times and she is THE awesome.
- Day 3: Lunch, more expo, upstairs sponsors- Hallmark had a wonderful place to recharge and write cards (which they mailed!) to loved ones.
- Day 3: Session: Unplug, Unfriend, Unfollow, Unwind with Gwen Bell – relaxing
- Apparently I had some kind of our of body experience at this point because there were TWO sessions I really wanted to attend
at this time and I don’t recall going to either one!!!! Where was I? Did anyone see me? Was I wandering the hall? Napping in the hall? I don’t remember!!! - Day 3: Too much time to kill until parties, a wee bit jealous of all the events everyone else was at….when I was saved by a tweet from @CountessMo and promptly volunteered to help Miss Britt setup at Aiming Low party setup and met some wonderful people (Anissa and Robin-who obviously knows her shit because SHE wrote that sticker up there about ME and I am effing ahhsome)
- Day 3: Decided to eat dinner alone, when in walks the Ashleigh Burrows and her daughter. I invite them to join me. Turned into the most fascinating, stimulating and touching two hours of
the entireconferencemy entire life. (remember people, just be brave. Some of the best things in life come from when you look at a stranger and say…”You can sit here and join me, if you’d like” - Day 3: Aiming Low Party – RAD!!!! I met all kinds of people I ‘knew’ but hadn’t ‘seen’. All wonderful people! Most exciting for me? I hugged Redneck Mommy. (I also stuck a sticker on her chest! She is just as f*cking fantastic in real life as she is online)
- Day 3: The CheesburgHer Party was raucous and loud and hoppin’. Fun times. Also cheeseburgers. And fries. And hats.
Now, TEN days later, I am still exhausted and barely able to function. I can’t wait to go again.
I know I left out some of the amazing things that happened. And PEOPLE that I met that are so freaking wonderful that I am going to slap myself for leaving them out of this post. BUT, I will put down more and post it here. And it all lives in my heart forever….
I Just Want To Go Back To Bed
You know it’s going to be a bad day when……
- You wake up to discover it is Friday, not Saturday
- You’re about halfway to work, you glance in the rearview mirror and realize you put on the ‘white’ mascara base but forgot the mascara
- You get to work pour your cereal into a bowl and find you left the milk at home
- You wake up with a headache and two hours later it’s still with you
BlogHer recap post to come soon. Possibly soon. Maybe soon-ish.
The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination.
My mind is an emotional explosion today. I just spent the most amazing three days at Blogher’11; experiencing the most vast array of emotions and experiences you could pack into such a short time. I have so much to share. Some truly amazing experiences I will share with you over the next while, including dinner last evening with two amazing women (whom I had never met before), that was probably the best experience of the entire convention.
Not surprisingly, I was particularly moved by certain aspects during the week, that had to do with grief, loss and the heartfelt support some of us have received from this amazing community. The reason it is not so surprising, is that tomorrow is three years since Watermelon came into our lives and just as suddenly left; leaving us lost, bereft and heartbroken. Today we are having our annual memorial and balloon release and during the conference that was always in my mind, no matter how 
distracted I was.
There is a lot to process, so much new insight and new questions about this process of love and loss. I just want to thank everyone who has (and still are) helping me on this journey. Three years is a long time. Three years is a short time. An eternity and yesterday. Fresh and old. Who knows how long this takes? Five years? Never? Tomorrow? I don’t know. but I do know that I couldn’t have come this far in the journey without your love, support and understanding. We are an amazing tribe, aren’t we?
I am going to send another message to heaven today, tied to a balloon, and watch it drift above until it disappears from my site. I am not just writing to Collin though, this year I want to reach out to others up there, remember them and the amazing women who’s lives they touched: Maddie, Boo, Christine and many others. If I met you this weekend, shook your hand, or hugged you….just know that today I am again thinking of you and that touch/hug. Bless you all.
Beauty comes as much from the mind as from the eye
This post is my attempt to win the Say Wow Not Ow Private Yummie Tummie Style Session at BlogHer…..
Last Fall, I started a new chapter of life. It had been over a decade since I had to impress anyone. New job, new co-workers, new expectations, new responsibilities all requiring, of course, a new look. In my previous job, I could wear sweat pants if I wanted to. Not so at the new job. Luckily new job also equaled new paycheck, so I was able to outfit myself fairly well and present a polished, professional me.
Fast forward six months and you cannot find that confident, polished, professional me. She doesn’t exist anymore. I might as well have taken the money I spent on those outfits and had a cash-burning bonfire. As my doctor describes it, a “tempest” wreaked havoc on my body. Some of the changes are permanent and others will be much more difficult to overcome because of the change. After menopause, a woman has to work three times as hard to lose weight and thanks to menopause, I now have over 40 pounds of new weight to lose. I hear from others they ‘can hardly tell’. But I can tell and it hurts. Hurts my head, my mind and my body.
Recently I had to give in and buy two new (bigger) pairs of pants, but my new body shape is so difficult to dress. Nothing is slimming and what is slimming is so painful to wear! I am constantly adjusting my waistband while seated at my desk. And, dear heavens, my underwear. I am constantly having to unroll them!! I try out four shirts every morning trying to find one that doesn’t look awful and always end in a plain, oversized t-shirt. I am always wondering if someone will notice I am wearing the same few outfits over and over. And the mirrors (also windows, shiny cars, etc.), people!!!! The reflections of rolls and blobs and unattractive shapes that surprise me every single time I catch a glimpse! Because I don’t FEEL like that person. I don’t even recognize that person. But it is me. It sucks. Getting old sucks. I suck. (okay, now I sound like Kat VonD).
I need to look better/feel better. My psyche needs the boost. My body needs the relief. And now, just when I am at my lowest psychologically, Yummie Tummie enters into my life (I HOPE)! I feel (know) I could look good with their help! And feeling (looking) good, is key to my success! All I ask from you, dear readers, is you that cross your fingers (check out http://www.yummielife.com/) and toes (follow @yummietummie on twitter) and tell them how much I deserve a personal style session (like their https://www.facebook.com/yummietummie page)! It is possible that next week, not only will my dream of attending BlogHer come true, but I could end up looking good and feeling better!
PS: Doing those things doesn’t help my chances of winning, but it makes me feel good to know y’all love me!
UPDATE 7/30/11: I AM A FINALIST!!!!! PLEASE KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED. AND EVEN IF IT SUPPOSEDLY DOESN’T HELP, GO TALK ABOUT ME ON YUMMIE TUMMIE’S FACEBOOK AND TWITTER! MAYBE WE CAN HARRASS THEM ENOUGH TO CHOOSE ME!!!!
Find the Vixen
For Realz
Spread The Frenzy
Barked Back