It has been 2 years, one month and seven days since I last posted here. I miss journaling. And that is what this was supposed to be.
I can’t let go. I think I’m back.
A new adventure begins now.
Hmmm, so much. Let’s do a quick highlight and lowlight and then perhaps I will feel refreshed and I can begin to post again without the pressure of ‘catching up’. Then, as I go along, I can catch up if need be!
1) I started Herbalife meal replacements and trying to eat healthy. So far I’ve lost about 12 pounds.
2) BigBlue turned 2 and Bumblebee turned 1. And we marked Collin’s 5th birthday/memorial.
3) I got a big promotion and a raise.
4) Three days later Deere announced they are divesting themselves of my company. I am in limbo land now, pretending it’s ” business as usual”.
5) I was accepted into Northeastern University (Boston) and have started classes to finish my degree. It’s been 20 years since I took a class and over 30 since I was a regular student. Challenging!
6) I got a used hot tub yesterday. Tonight it was filled with water. They say it will take 24 hours to heat up. This seems unacceptable right now.
Carpe diem! Rejoice while you are alive; enjoy the day; live life to the fullest; make the most of what you have. It is later than you think ~ Horace
The year of Jubilee in both the Jewish and Christian traditions is a time of joy, the year of remission or universal pardon.
“Thou shalt sanctify the fiftieth year,” Leviticus 25:10
Today marks the first day of my jubilee year as I am going to call it. It sounds so much more magical than ‘half a century’ and ‘semi-centennial’, agreed?
Yesterday, I was grousing about stretching myself this year. But now that I understand the essence of the year of the Jubilee I am excited to spend it in joy, savoring my universal pardon and granting forgiveness to my past. I am looking forward to every.single.thing.
I am still going to come up with some stretch goals, but perhaps they will be something different from what I have anticipated. I don’t know, but I look forward to finding out….
Tomorrow, January 3rd 2013, I will turn 50. I don’t think I mind being that old, at least not very much. What I do mind are the things I have not accomplished by now. I have this overwhelming feeling I should have done more by now. I have no idea what more or how more or why more. I just have a feeling.
I said in my last post I was not going to do a New Year’s resolution this year. But now that I realize I am going to be 50 tomorrow, I believe I want to do something that is like a resolution but not quite the same. Perhaps more like a bucket list. Not a list of things to do before I die, even at 50 I am hoping I am only half way through this life. Maybe a list of things to do this year. Things I really want to do/learn/whatever. In this year. Some easy to carry out and some that are a stretch. That’s it… I want to come up with a couple of stretch goals for my 50th year.
Maybe by tomorrow I will have some ideas and I will share. Or maybe you have some ideas?
Well, if 2012 was notable for anything, it’s that I had ALOT to blog about and yet all there is on my blog is blank pages. It is my sincere hope that I change that in 2013. Not for you, for me.
Today, I saw a post from PB&Jazz and I was inspired (we’ll see how long that lasts, LOL):
1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?
Break a bone (or six). If any of you have made it to 49 years young without breaking a bone, I must say I don’t recommend it.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I have no recollection of making one last year. I also don’t recall ever keeping a single resolution I made in the past. I am now making an executive decision to not make any more.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes! My son and DIL (MacDougal and Funsize), gave birth to my fourth granddaughter in August.
4. Did anyone close to you give die?
This year we suffered the unexpected and sudden losses of my dear Uncle Paul and my too-young-to-be-gone brother-in-law, Kenny.
5. What countries did you visit?
I don’t even have a passport, LOL.
6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
The winning lottery ticket. Or a money tree.
7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Wow, this year was filled with etchings…the birth of baby J, Ladybugs first bike ride without training wheels, heartbreak, candy skies, riding with Bear, new people and new places.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I was able to not only make the best out of a horrible situation for my daughter, it turned out to be one of the best things I was able to do for my family in many, many years.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I allowed myself to forget how short and precious life can be. And I let fear deep inside; still trying to kick it all the way out.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
See above, LOL. Broken bones, torn ligaments and surgery. All from one little, bitty fall off a horse.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
The best thing I spent a large amount of money on was the new place we got a two-year lease on. I wish we could buy it. That would be a dream come true.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My kids have come through some truly difficult times this year. They were always there for each other and they make me so proud.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Fishboy. But we are working on moving on without him.
14. Where did most of your money go?
MOVING! So damn expensive…first, last, moving vans, time off, etc.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
MOVING. Ha, ha. Never thought I would say that. But we are so happy and in such a better place physically and emotionally because of it.
16. What song will always remind you of 2012?
Mmmmmotorboatin’!”Pontoon” – Little Big Town
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? I don’t think happier is a big enough word for how much better I feel this year than last year.
b) thinner or fatter? Fatter, but working harder on it!
c) richer or poorer? Poorer, but so better off!
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Riding. Ground work. Chasing dreams.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
20. How did you spend Christmas?
My mom and dad were here for the holidays. All the kids and grandkids came over for Christmas Eve. We opened one gift (pj’s) and Great Grama read Twas The Night Before Christmas to all her great-grandkids. RolyPoly, being 2, was hysterical during the reading and we all laughed until we cried. The next morning we went from house to house seeing what Santa had delivered, then back to my home for dinner. This was the first Christmas I have been with my Mom in many, many years and it was so wonderful to share it with her and all our grands!
21. Did you fall in love in 2012?
No, but I am learning to love myself again.
22. What was your favorite TV program?
No contest, Parenthood
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
24. What was the best book you read?
I read too many books. I can’t choose just one!
25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
26. What did you want and get by year’s end?
I didn’t know how much I wanted our own place in the country, but I got it and now I don’t know how I survived without it.
27. What did you want and not get by year’s end?
I really wanted to be comfortable enough to ride out on the trails every single day.
28. What was your favorite film of this year?
I really enjoyed the Dark Night Rises opening with my kids.
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
This year I turned 49. Since I worked and my birthday is so close to Christmas, we didn’t do anything.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I truly believe winning the lottery would be immeasurably satisfying. I would at least like to try it.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?
Ha, ha ha hahahahahha. I just try to find something clean that I can still zip up.
32. What kept you sane?
Calypso, my four-legged equine BFF! Ok, my husband helped too.
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I don’t think I will ever stop pining a bit for Brad Pitt. I can’t stop myself.
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
I hate how divided our country seemed this year. It was disturbing.
35. Who did you miss?
I miss seeing RolyPoly every day. And I miss Bear since she got so busy.
36. Who was the best new person you met?
My new co-worker and friend Ms. Iowa.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Life ain’t always beautiful
Sometimes it’s just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart
Life ain’t always beautiful
You think you’re on your way
And it’s just a dead-end road at the end of the day
But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin’ it sweet time
No, life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it’s a beautiful ride
So a lot of things have changed around here since I have been regularly posting. So much, that I eventually gave up posting. I was/am overwhelmed. I want to share everything but there is so much I can’t get myself to do it. It seems impossible. So I will use bullets to share highlights of what I can remember. And then, if anyone still reads here, you can all PIPE UP in the comments and tell me which teaser you would like more information on first and that will be my next post! Sounds fun. (probably won’t work because no one reads anymore, but perhaps all this will be out-of-the-way and I will be free to begin blogging again? One can hope?)
I know there are many, many more things I have left out. But if I don’t post this now….it will just sit here for another year and even more stuff will happen.
Know that I am still here and still reading all your blogs, even though I may not comment! Leave me a comment and help me change that!
I began at 8 am. Head down, eyes on the screen, fingers flying across the keyboard. Read, process, complete, email. The work just screams off my desk. I can’t be distracted, my concentration is intense. 10, 20, 30 jobs finished. A crick in my neck, a low ache in my back; I sit back and stretch. Glance at the clock, 2pm. The day is nearly done in a blink of an eye. For a moment I feel satisfied and, well, proud.
I get up and stretch, decide to walk outside around the building. I wonder why I never allow myself to feel my accomplishments. Why I drive myself on to the next challenge. Why can’t I allow myself to relax and enjoy what I have done? I realize I can’t even walk slowly, breath deeply, and enjoy the blue sky. My mind is already back in front of that screen, flying through the next challenge, ignoring everything around me.
This must be why they call it work.
It was my inability to let go. My need to prove something. I don’t know what. That I was worthy? That I was lovable? That I was innocent? That I didn’t ask for it? That it wasn’t my fault? That I was a child?
It was my own self doubt and self inflected loathing that made me continue to seek you out. It was me, not you, seeking answers to questions I didn’t know I had. It was my need to convince myself that you didn’t make the decisions you made.
No matter how ugly it got, I still stayed. I could plainly see how dysfunctional it was, yet I stayed. Until I had given everything I had to give. Until there was nothing left for me to offer. No part of me undamaged, unscathed, uncut.
It was me, not you, who had to let go. Let go completely. With all my heart and soul. Released from myself.
I have never been more comfortable in my own skin. More at peace with my soul. More accepting of my hearts wishes and desires. More in touch with my family.
It was me, not you.
I like lists. Lists keep me sane. I am actually very happy going through life “flying by the seat of my pants” yet I still love lists. I make them about everything. Carry them around for years. Lists are my form in chaos. Lists are my light in the dark of night.
I don’t like me (all the time). Sometimes I am okay with me. Some days I feel good about myself. 2011 has been a year of discovery for me. A year of new discoveries, buried thoughts, and uncharted territories.
For all the reasons that C.Mom talks about here, I am challenged to complete this list. But I think it is something I need. Maybe everyone needs to do. As difficult as it seems, I am going to take a shot at the hardest list I have ever written. I hope it is a discovery of monumental proportions. I hope I believe it at the end of the next bad day. I hope it is true.
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