Category: Craptastic (Page 1 of 8)

All endings are also beginnings. We just don’t know it at the time

Five.

I remember the day Ladybug started kindergarten. I took the morning off work, we put her on the bus and then her mother and I drove as fast as we could to the IMG_0946aschool to meet her and walk her to class. My first granddaughter started school.

This year, Watermelon would have started kindergarten. My first grandson. Another first added to the scrapbook in my mind. First smile, first step, first words, first day of school. All those firsts that can only exist in our imagination and wishes.

I remember him in perfection. I envy his utter joy and peace in Heaven. I have complete faith that I will see him again and it will be glorious. But I suffer while I wait. My arms ache to swing him up into my arms and cradle his body against me.

Five.

Not any easier than the others.

Happy Birthday, Collin. Grandma loves you.

Oh Rats!

I do have garden updates! And Easter crafts! If only I could get them posted before they are irrelevant!

Sorry I am missing (again). Mr. Vixen was taken by ambulance to the hospital on Wednesday and remains there. He has diverticulitis and an abscess. They are trying to avoid surgical intervention; so they are treating with antibiotics and antifungals. It is very slow going and he is in a lot of pain. Also factor in the fact that he is a ‘man.’ He doesn’t sleep well unless I am sitting there next to him, sigh.

It turned out not to be SLUGS, but instead we believe it’s RATS. Which is worse. Before he got sick, Mr. Vixen made some rat protectors for the strawberries. You have to see these. They work great, except when the giant puppy from hell digs up the entire planter because her man left her alone. Heavy sigh.

I hope I can find somewhere to eat Easter dinner….I don’t have time to shop or cook and Mr. Vixen is NPO! He can’t even have water sips!

Everyone have a blessed Easter. And feel free to send your positive thoughts and prayers his way!

I Just Want To Go Back To Bed

You know it’s going to be a bad day when……

  • You wake up to discover it is Friday, not Saturday
  • You’re about halfway to work, you glance in the rearview mirror and realize you put on the ‘white’ mascara base but forgot the mascara
  • You get to work pour your cereal into a bowl and find you left the milk at home
  • You wake up with a headache and two hours later it’s still with you

BlogHer recap post to come soon. Possibly soon. Maybe soon-ish.

The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination.

My mind is an emotional explosion today. I just spent the most amazing three days at Blogher’11; experiencing the most vast array of emotions and experiences you could pack into such a short time. I have so much to share. Some truly amazing experiences I will share with you over the next while, including dinner last evening with two amazing women (whom I had never met before), that was probably the best experience of the entire convention.

Not surprisingly, I was particularly moved by certain aspects during the week, that had to do with grief, loss and the heartfelt support some of us have received from this amazing community. The reason it is not so surprising, is that tomorrow is three years since Watermelon came into our lives and just as suddenly left; leaving us lost, bereft and heartbroken. Today we are having our annual memorial and balloon release and during the conference that was always in my mind, no matter how distracted I was.

There is a lot to process, so much new insight and new questions about this process of love and loss. I just want to thank everyone who has (and still are) helping me on this journey. Three years is a long time. Three years is a short time. An eternity and yesterday. Fresh and old. Who knows how long this takes? Five years? Never? Tomorrow? I don’t know. but I do know that I couldn’t have come this far in the journey without your love, support and understanding. We are an amazing tribe, aren’t we?

I am going to send another message to heaven today, tied to a balloon, and watch it drift above until it disappears from my site.  I am not just writing to Collin though, this year I want to reach out to others up there, remember them and the amazing women who’s lives they touched: Maddie, Boo, Christine and many others. If I met you this weekend, shook your hand, or hugged you….just know that today I am again thinking of you and that touch/hug. Bless you all.

Am I The Only One Highly Amused by Craigslist Responses?

I posted an ad on craigslist for the saddle that didn’t fit Calypso, the following is real. At least I really received these texts, who knows if the buyer is serious….

Buyer: u want 100 for u saddle

Me: Yes, if you can come tonight I will take $100

B: well i tex u from tecate baja california but my job is located in lakeside

M: Well if you want to call me when you are in Lakeside tomorrow and see if it is still available you can do that

B: ok i be in the yard 3 20 pm 8834 winter gardens blvd lakeside ca 92040 u need to be there 3 20 to 3 30 thank u

M: I don’t deliver, especially not for the cheap price of $100. If you can come pick it up give me a call and I will give directions. I am in esco about 25 miles from Lakeside I think

B: So when i see u if you want make deal

(I did not respond to this last message as I was still laughing about the “be here at 3 20” remark. And I didn’t think I would be “see”ing him any time soon. But about 20 minutes later I got this next message)

B: I dont have car but give ur address and let me ask my frend if hi take me to pick up the saddle

M: Okay but I won’t go lower than $100, so if you get a ride it is cash only. Text me if you get a ride and I will give you the address then.

B: ok  o course cash

We shall see if he/she calls tomorrow…I may not be laughing all the way to the bank, but I am laughing. (and I haven’t given him/her my address yet…I got creeped out and Mr. Vixen said just wait to see if they call back)

‘Big Boned’ Tuesday (aka Fat Tuesday)

I’m fat. I never realized it until I got Calypso. And saw myself in pictures.

I don’t know how it happened. I don’t know why it happened.

Perhaps there is some medical reason. Perhaps it is my own fault.

I’ve never felt this uncomfortable in my body in my entire life. It’s not about body image, obviously, because I didn’t even notice it had happened. I truly mean  I am physically uncomfortable. It’s disturbing me. It doesn’t seem to be about self control, as I’ve been on weight watchers for weeks now and it’s not hard for me. They gave me points and I find recipes I like and I stay well within my points. I am not hungry, it’s not difficult.

I don’t mind how I look, I mind how I feel while I look this way. The way my clothes fit is uncomfortable, even painful at times. My movements are restricted. My flexibility is nil.

I can’t imagine how I could battle this all my life. It saps all my energy, mentally and physically.

I’ve changed my diet completely. I’ve increased up my physical exercise.

I just want to breath again. Like I used to.

I had a couple crummy weeks, so I am gonna giveaway something

Ha, ha horrendous title, right? Well, I got nothing good to share. I have rants, vents, grumbles, issues and help to seek; but that shall wait. Today sucked. I am going to spend the evening trying to drown my troubles. How about some COOKIES?

(excuse the terrible segue)

Let’s have a cookie recipe swap. You tell me your favorite cookie recipe (we’ll pretend it’s still the holidays, how about that?) and when you share you will earn an entry to earn a “Happy Holiday Treats” prize pack that includes a package of Betty Crocker Sugar Cookie Mix, a GladWare sample pack and a $25 Safeway gift card (also valid at Dominick’s, Tom Thumb, Randalls, Vons, and Genuardi’s).

So let’s swap cookies and forget the world (and how time seems to disappear like mist in a sand storm lately)! It’s a quickie contest: winner will be chosen by random drawing on Wednesday January 26th midnight PST. For additional entries tweet about this giveaway “You can make your week better…with cookies and $$$. Enter to win a prize pack including $25 GC at vixensden.com http://bit.ly/eAjRMq” and leave a separate comment with the link to your tweet. Or follow my blog on Facebook and leave a separate comment saying that you did so.

Note: the coupon, prize pack, information and additional prize pack to give away were all given to me from Safeway, Betty Crocker, and Glad through MyBlogSpark. All crabbiness is PURELY mine

And the winner is MARI! Congratulations!

A closed mouth catches no flies

I do think it is possible that the world has gone overboard in the “politically correct” department. Sometimes people get really carried away, HOWEVER, I also strongly believe in people closing their mouths and THINKING before they release the stupid thoughts in their minds.

 As my mother always said, “If you don’t have nothin’ nice to say, don’t say nothin’ at all.” If more people would heed this sage advise the world (at least mine) would be a happier place. One in which I would never have to know these things were said…..

 A parent at Ladybug’s elementary school (during a planning meeting for the school Harvest Festival with all the room mothers) said to NannyGoat:

                “Who is your child’s teacher?  What grade?”
                “Mrs. X, K and 1st combined”
                “Combined? I’ve never heard of such a thing at this school.”
                “It’s the Special Day class.”
                ”Oh! So the ‘special’ kids are coming to this event? How great that they can join all the regular kids.”

Nanny was also at the planning of a school cultural event. Each group had a different country and they had to have several booths of different arts/crafts/food etc. set up for that country. Nan’s group got Japan. One of the parents began their meeting by smugly informing everyone that she had arranged for a local restaurant to supply chop sticks and a fortune cookie for every student. One of the other parents (of Asian descent) said to that parent: “That is wonderful that you already did that. I think the chopsticks will be great and we can use those. But the fortune cookies are actually a Chinese tradition, not Japanese.” To which Ms. Smug actually replied: “China. Japan. Whatever. They are both Asian, right?”

 And lastly, while Nanny is arranging the teacher requested Halloween party (she is the room mother poor thing), she sends an email to each parent informing them the cost for each student (food and supplies aren’t free, you know). She receives an email back from one of the parents that states: “We do not celebrate Halloween, we celebrate All Saint’s Day. Therefore, I will not be contributing to this event. However, I will allow my son to attend the party, so he doesn’t feel left out from the rest of the class.”

 WHAT? You are going to allow your child to go eat and party with the kids while everyone else pays???

 It’s Monday. Had to get this off my chest…

Run over, smacked down, put up wet, hung out to dry

I set out last week to change my life. Get up, get going, enjoy living. More blogging. More visiting friends and family. It started out fantastic. Then I was clubbed with the stomach flu/virus/something. The likes of which I have never been possessed by. It was bad enough it broke my 27 YEAR record of having not thrown up. That is a long time! I worked hard at that. It’s not like I haven’t been sick in 27 years…it was sometimes sheer willpower!

But the puking part (and that other stuff) was just the tip of the iceberg! The splitting headache and the pain in my eyes? The exhaustion? The loss of 7 POUNDS?!?! (I know a good/bad thing, right?)

I am so done with what ever this is. I have never been so wiped out by an illness in my life. Just when I think I am getting better then I sit up or go to the store and boom! I am done again. Really, stick a SPORK in me already I am done! I can eat toast, cottage cheese and chicken soup in small quantities. I can drink tea and water. I can watch endless hours of Parenthood (which BTW is a great show! So glad I recorded it, but never watched it before!), but now I am out of episodes. It took me two days to get this post typed. I can visit twitter for maybe 5 minutes before I get confused and need a nap.

So, who has the magic cure? I am tired of being sick. HELP!

In Which My Doctor Yells At Me

Back when my insurance ended in February 09, I made sure I had a 3-month Rx of my diabetes meds filled to hold me over until I got a job. Then I didn’t get a job. In July, when I had my surgery my sugars were pretty high and they had to give me insulin twice, but once the pain calmed down and I had my meds I was okay. Since the surgery was so costly, I managed to meet my ridiculously high MediCal share of cost that month and had another 3-month supply filled. That ran out in mid October. I still thought I would get better and get a job. Neither of those things happened. I still don’t have a job and I am still on disability. The holidays and life distracted me. I started feeling worse and worse. But I didn’t talk about it. I was too ashamed. I didn’t want to share here, because I just knew that I would get yelled at. By my mom, my kids and probably by you. My doctor’s office called and said I needed to have an HbA1c done before she would prescribe anymore meds. I didn’t hurry and get it done for two reasons 1) It’s an expensive test and 2)I didn’t have the money to fill the Rx anyway. That’s what I told myself. And the not talking about it to anyone helped because I could put it out of the front of my mind and ignore it.

Then I got two candidas infections in a three week period. I knew what the connection was. High blood sugar. Heck, I hadn’t had one of those infections in 20 years and now I’d had two. I started listening a bit (in the back of my mind) to my body. Noticed how fatigued I was constantly, how many dull headaches I was having. How much time I spent running to the bathroom. Seriously, I think I pee as much as all the people who attended Woodstock combined in one day. I dug out my glucose monitor, but the battery was dead.

Then a few weeks ago at CVS, an employee was handing out information on their new minute clinic. Turns out the clinic does low cost HbA1c testing. I didn’t go right away, because I thought you had to be fasting to have it done and every time I remembered I had already eaten (lame excuses run rampant throughout this post, beware).  Besides, I’d gone without medication before in my life and it always turned out okay. I’d get around to it when things weren’t so busy.

Yesterday, I got up and it was like I’d hit a wall. I had nothing left in me. I took my vaginally itching, exhausted, 10 pound lighter self down to the Minute Clinic. Turns out you don’t have to be fasting anymore for the test, so I could have had it anytime. However, the nurse informed me that if I waited until the next day Bayer was sponsoring a new program in which the testing was FREE. Of course, I could wait one day, right? So I went home. I bought a battery for my monitor. I was going to get things straight now, I was sure. The nurse called a few minutes later to tell me that she had the date wrong and the free program didn’t start until Sunday. No problem, I’d go then.

I tested my blood sugar…..311. Fasting. HOLY SHIT, I thought. I checked the memory. Highest I’d had was back in September at 212. Wow, good thing I am getting this taken care of. I called the pharmacy to see what my last meds and dosages to have the information ready. They thought I wanted a refill and contacted the doctor’s office. The office called me. The doc wouldn’t give me refills unless I came to see her, since it had been over a year. They offered me a special cash discount and could see me the very next morning. Okay, I guess that would be best, but I thought she needed the HbA1c results first? No, she needed to see me first. Okay. (It really is amazing how wrong I had the entire thing since medical stuff is usually one of my more expert areas).

As the day progressed, I played a lot with my monitor because I just didn’t feel well. Later in the night, after a couple of pomegranate margaritas, I got a reading of “HI”. Concerned I got out the manual. A reading of high means that blood sugar is over 600. I nearly fainted. Then decided the machine was wrong. Did it again. Results: HI. My oh my, I thought. I was so scared I couldn’t even twitter about it. Those who know of my twitter addiction will understand how frightening that is (also twitter went down for an hour). I broke down and told my resident CNA and nursing student, Bear. She wanted to take me to the hospital. After much consultation with Doctor Google and verification checks from her that I was not severely dehydrated or in DKA, I convinced her it must be the damn margaritas. (I rarely, maybe once a year drink them). She grabbed the bottle and checked the sugar content and wow is there is some serious sugar in that stuff. She still wanted to at least call the hospital. I said let’s just keep checking my sugars to see if it was these sweet syrupy drinks. Sure enough, in 15 minutes I was registering again at 569, 1/2 an hour and down to 484, then 411. I was allowed to stay home for the night.

So today I went to my doctor. And she didn’t really yell at me. What she did was keep putting her hand on my shoulder and saying kindly, but very sternly, “I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me” and “I have samples for you of the expensive medication and when you run low, call me” and lastly “Don’t ever go off your meds again. I can help you, but only if you call me“. Sheesh, she was so damned sweet about it I cried. Broke down in tears. “I’m a hot mess”, I told her. She again told me she can’t help me if I don’t tell her. I told her about the “HI” readings and how freaked out I was and she confirmed it was that margarita mix, combined with the fact that I am working off a base in the 300’s. Not the place I should be starting the mornings off. She got me all set up with meds (for free) and a scrip for the other one that only cost me $10 for a 90-day supply. On Monday, I will take her the results of the HbA1c test and have a quick nurse visit to check my sugar level for free. We’ll see if my body goes back to its well-behaved self with the meds in 3-months and if not, we will discuss possible changes in meds or a change to insulin if necessary. I left after paying for the visit with a cash discount of 37% off and my promise I’ll be back in three months to follow up. Even I can afford that.

So here I am, sharing it all and hopefully on my way to recovery. I now know why I don’t have the energy to follow through on anything, most especially posting on my beloved blog. I was afraid I might let out my secret and you would all yell at me. But I was only hurting myself, because really you can’t help me if I don’t talk to you, right?

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