A Bit Of Advise
From someone who probably should not give advise. Here goes anyway:
Dear Children Of Vixen:
You should trust me when I say finish college right after high school. Don’t get distracted by making some money, or getting married, or having a kid or three. Finish college first. Prime example: This guy, Rex Walheim, and I went to school together. We both got great grades. We both graduated from San Carlos High in 1980. Today he is preparing for his launch February 7th via Atlantis (STS122) for a trip to the International Space Station, while I am preparing onion dip. Just think about that. I mean, I admit my onion dip is good, but still.
Love,
Mum
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Dear Internet Reader:
To whoever found my site by G00gling “diabetic penis turns black” please stop G00gling and get thyself immediately to the hospital.
Sincerely,
Vixen and, most emphatically, MacDougal
Saturday Strategem
I know what needs to happen. I am just unable to make it happen right now. I will find another place to live (actually I already have, but without Mr. Vixen’s SSDI check I can’t get in or afford it for now, so that will be on hold but a constant hope). I have a few requirements: Continue reading
I Have Issues
I have many issues. This blog is my lifesaver yet I have neglected it. As Harlekwin said in a comment, my depression is definitely situational. I have dug myself a pit and am unable to figure out exactly how I am going to get out of it. I, once again, don’t have a decent TT. I also have not posted the results from my TITT weeks ago. This will sound like a pity party, but I just want to put it out there anyway, because it makes me feel better.
There is not enough time in the day. And I seem to be much, much more exhausted with the pain. To me it seems I am in permanent limbo with these pain issues. I only get better if I don’t do anything. But I am out of paid time off and had to take Monday off without pay. Stupid ass bus that hit me.
It has been rainy and so my commute is longer (WHY can’t SoCal people drive in the rain???) which means I have less free time and more pain from sitting in the car.
There have been some issues with money. Like a lack of food and gas money. And a serious lack of money/diapers/telephone service/seizure medication over at Ladybugs house, so I have been giving all I have to that.
I took the g-babes and their parentals to the snow because I knew it wouldn’t last and it was only 21 miles up the road. We had a great time, but Ladybug had at least one seizure which I witnessed. It was very brief and something her parents witness weekly, but I don’t. Honestly it upset me at levels I hadn’t even recognized until I started typing this and started bawling.
Mr. Vixen’s disability seems to be in permanent limbo. I do not make enough money alone. It has been since August. Any longer and I will lose my only car and my electric and water and possibly my sleeping quarters.
I feel like the biggest, stupidest, most idiotic person on the place of the planet. I haven’t shared with you all (the only people I can share with) most of the stuff that has been happening at the homestead. I talked about how my toilet doesn’t work, but I didn’t tell you all that the barn toilet I was using also broke nearly two months ago. Now I am forced to use the toilet in Cousin It’s house. That is 2.5 acres away. My blood sugar has been poorly controlled and meds have been changed/increased. The side effects are…ummm….toilet usage. Spontaneously and direly in the middle of the night. It hasn’t always been possible. It has been ugly. During a conversation with my aunt/landlady the day after Xmas, I was very honest with her. Nearly hysterical in trying to explain to her how impossible this situation is. The result: “You don’t not have a bathroom. You just have a bathroom that is inconvenient to get to.” I also never told you all that after I moved in I found out there was full ducting for a heater in the MiniCabin, but that they had “saved money” and purchased it without a furnace. So not only do I not have heat (and it has been in the 25-30 range nightly for three months), but I have a bunch of vents that let cold air in. I finally taped cardboard over all of them. We have a lovely electric heater my mother bought me for Christmas, but then our electric bill for the month (the kids don’t have heat in their ‘rooms’ either and so have to use space heaters) was $750. Insanity. I have a plan, but it cannot come to fruition without Mr. Vixen’s SSDI. Catch-22. The stupid part, I continue to pay rent and they continue to harass me about paying it on time.
So many things. All wrong. Most likely illegal. Family. Stress. I have all these things I want to say and write and create. But I come home and suffer silently in pain. Jeebus, this isn’t what I wanted this post to say. But I have to put it somewhere. Please don’t think less of me…
EDIT: Also I have a ton of pictures I want to put up on my 365 and I actually did some kind deeds that I need to post also!! I feel crappy about my lack of posting stuff!
2nd EDIT: After that pathetically sad post, I have to add this video. Because I keep having to go back to it so I can stop crying. It makes me smile and if I keep hitting replay I can forget the ‘look’ when she had the seizure and I hear is “3, 2, 1 Doh”:
Invocation To The Lords Of Dir#ctTV
Poor Marmagoo has no TV. which made me sad for her and then I remember LOST is back tomorrow and I started to have a little big panic attack. I have waited and waited for this show to return. This show is my nasty, dirty habit. I postponed my daughter’s wedding rehearsal by one night, because they wanted it at the same time as LOST was on (this was back in 2004 when it had just started). I wanted to hate LOST when they killed Charlie, but I couldn’t. There is probably a support group out there for me, but they say you can’t be helped until you are ready and I am soooo not ready.
My entreaty to Dri#ctTV: Please, please, please come out to the house and do whatever it is that you (supposedly) told Cousin It you had to do to fix the TV. I believe it is probably an issue with lack of payment (as it was the last three times it went off), but Cousin It claims you told him the “wind moved the dish” and that you couldn’t come fix it until Thursday. Tomorrow is Thursday. Dear lord of dish repair guys, I need you to be done before 8pm. I will bake you cookies. Here are some great LOST quotes to keep you motivated:
Mr. Eko: “Do not mistake coincidence for fate.”
Rousseau, briefing the castaways on the Others: “You’ve only got three choices: run, hide… or die.”
Desmond: “I push this button every 108 minutes. I don’t get out much.”
Hurley: “Dude, you’ve got some Artz on you.”
Locke, to Jack: “Do you really think all this… is an accident? That we, a group of strangers survived, many of us with just superficial injuries? We were brought here for a purpose, for a reason. All of us.”
Carry on.
Reminiscent
The year is nearing its end, an new one waiting in the wings. It has been a year of good and bad, hard and easy, twists and turns. I shall recap the highlights for you with bullets:
- January: I turned 44. It didn’t feel much different than 43. We took Ladybug to Great Great Grama’s cabin and she saw snow and went sledding for the first time.
- February: Mr. Vixen, Bear, Fishboy and myself have a dream-like vacation in Hawaii.
- March: My grandmother is diagnosed with inoperable pancreatic cancer. I start this blog.
- April: My landlady of 10 years informs me there is a court order to sell our house. We need to find someplace else to live. My eldest turns 23!!! The doctors discover they misdiagnosed grama’s cancer and she begins chemo for her treatable cancer. The stress of not knowing where I am going to live is nearly unbearable. My beloved 16 year old puppy Duchess passes away.
- May: I find out I will have a place to live, but the decision (in the long run) to do business with family turns out to be a very bad idea. I have to move 10 years of stuff of a family of five into a 30 ft RV and two rooms.
- June: Summer at the property is wonderful. Ladybug loves having a place to run, swing, jump, dig and play outside. My beautiful baby Bear turns 16!!!!
- July: The latest Harry Potter book is released and I am the only person in the world who doesn’t read it. Mr. Vixen turns 46 (old man).
- August: My world was turned upside down when Ladybug developed epilepsy. I celebrated 25 years of marriage to my soul mate. The very lovely Butterball joined the world and our family. I lost the use of my toilet. I got a new digital camera (woot).
- September: My little baby boy MacDougal turned 21. We had a heatwave.
- October: Our very beloved puppy, Don Juan Ralphito (Boo Boo) suddenly passed despite my attempts to save him. There was a terrible fire and Nanny et al were evacuated, then we were all evacuated and had to stay for three days in a hotel. While we watched the news and watched live video of our old home and many neighbors homes burn down.
- November: Ladybug and Butterball have their first ever sleep over at my place. My mom comes for Thanksgiving and give me my Christmas present early! A very lovely heater (she gave it to me early, because we don’t have a furnace or heater in our place-that is something I did not know until after I signed the lease).
- December: The toilet in the barn stops working and so I have to walk miles to use a restroom. The holidays are spoiled by the fact that things are very unhappy and uncomfortable between us and our landlady/aunt who comes to visit Cousin It AND by the fact that my power cord dies again!
A year of changes for sure. Some trials and tribulations. What to do after a year like that?
I am going to DISNEYLAND!
(taking the g-babes for their first Disney visit on New Year’s Day)
When Medical Devices Go Bad
As my regular readers know, Friday and Saturday of this weekend were spent in a contentious card battle with my daughter and her husband. Friday’s engagement kept us ‘old folks’ up until midnight. Saturday’s campaign continued through to 1am. That is really late for us. There may also have been some beverage containing alcohol which may have been consumed. At any rate, I slept really, really well. Apparently better than Mr. Vixen.
A week ago, my doctor ordered me to wear dual wrist braces each night. Mr. Vixen is a long time sufferer of sleep apnea and has been on a breathing machine at night for years. Last night, he awoke with the disconcerting feeling that he had suddenly grown a third arm and it was attached to the side of his face. He struggled to remove it and found it quite difficult. As he fully came to his senses he realized it was my arm attached to his face.
It seems that I put my arm around him and my Velcro stuff attached to his Velcro attachy stuff and we were joined. I never woke up, not even when he had to rip apart our unnatural attachment.
One of those hysterical chat sessions that no one will think is funny but me
(NOTE: I am ladybugsgrama [duh], gmkorn is my mom, and Shannymar is Nannygoat)
ladybugsgrama (9:02:06 PM): ok guys, really my hands are killing me tonight
ladybugsgrama (9:02:12 PM): I gotta put the laptop down and rest a while
Shannymar (9:02:23 PM): fine you go watch your crap
ladybugsgrama (9:02:34 PM): no its just the work I did today, really inflamed them
ladybugsgrama (9:02:39 PM): call your dad and ask him
ladybugsgrama (9:02:46 PM): I have been off the puter most the night
ladybugsgrama (9:02:52 PM): and he keeps MENTIONING it
Shannymar (9:02:53 PM): i believe you
ladybugsgrama (9:02:59 PM): like its a miracle or something
ladybugsgrama (9:03:06 PM): like its never happened before
ladybugsgrama (9:03:07 PM): lol
Gmkorn (9:03:09 PM): okay time for bed here
Shannymar (9:03:18 PM): okay ladybug time here
Gmkorn (9:03:23 PM): arthritis vixen?
ladybugsgrama (9:03:27 PM): yes
Gmkorn (9:03:32 PM): where
ladybugsgrama (9:03:53 PM): fingers last few months, continuing into wrists last week or so
ladybugsgrama (9:04:08 PM): I saw doc friday and got new meds
Shannymar (9:04:14 PM): well i have ladybugitis
Gmkorn (9:04:19 PM): hmm you wearing brace?
Gmkorn (9:04:22 PM): lol shannymar
ladybugsgrama (9:04:26 PM): on both hands, just got those friday
ladybugsgrama (9:04:30 PM): sleeping much better with them
Gmkorn (9:05:01 PM): good. i have brace and meds..next injection..next surgery
ladybugsgrama (9:05:23 PM): there is surgery for rheumatoid arthritis?
Shannymar (9:05:32 PM): is this what i have to look forward too? thanks for the genes people.
ladybugsgrama (9:05:43 PM): anytime LOVELY girl
ladybugsgrama (9:05:50 PM): with LOVELY children
ladybugsgrama (9:05:53 PM): both of which are thanks to our genes
Gmkorn (9:05:59 PM): well i also have wearing of the joint that allows the bone in the wrist to slip in and out
Gmkorn (9:06:15 PM): wrist/thumb
ladybugsgrama (9:06:16 PM): oh so surgery repairs some of the bone damage, i see
Shannymar (9:06:22 PM): yah i suppose it is Lloyds stupid genes that give our kids strokes…
ladybugsgrama (9:06:29 PM): yes it is
ladybugsgrama (9:06:34 PM): we know that already
ladybugsgrama (9:06:37 PM): medically proven
ladybugsgrama (9:06:39 PM): lol
ladybugsgrama (9:06:44 PM): and funky toes
Shannymar (9:06:54 PM): lol i think they are cute!!!!!!
Gmkorn (9:07:00 PM): no it was Lloyds genes that gave you baby
Gmkorn (9:07:14 PM): he forgot to put them on lol
Shannymar (9:07:27 PM): lol, what?
Gmkorn (9:07:36 PM): JEANS
Shannymar (9:08:31 PM): i can’t……stop…..laughing
Gmkorn (9:08:36 PM): lol
Gmkorn (9:09:07 PM): breathe
Shannymar (9:09:15 PM): lol, whew…
Shannymar (9:09:24 PM): okaaayyyy…..
Shannymar (9:09:29 PM): i should go now
Maybe we won’t be
I am on the internet looking at our MyFamily page calendar. I turn to Mr. Vixen and the following conversation ensues:
Me: Oh look, someone in our family is celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary in August.
*Blank stare as he thinks about this, hard*, I wait patiently.
Him: Yes, oh yes. That would be, ummmm.
Him: Well let’s see. Ummmm. Would it be….no. Oh, wait…no it couldn’t be your brother, he’s too young.
*I turn towards him, peering over the top of my glasses.* (It was so not the death glare).
Him: (in a very, very small voice) Hey, oh yea, that would be us.
Well, it will be if he lives that long.
Find the Vixen
For Realz
Spread The Frenzy
Barked Back