Category: Life Happens (Page 2 of 6)

Daydreaming At Night

I often have trouble falling asleep. My body is exhausted, but my brain just won’t stop. Over the years I found that if I just ‘put out’  of my mind whatever was bothering me, I could eventually get some rest. The problem being that my brain needed something to distract itself. So years and years ago, I started redecorating my house. In my head. Since then we’ve moved, the house I was decorating in my head burned down and things have changed. So the old ‘renovations’ just don’t work anymore. With all that has been going on in my life the last few years, I forgot how to calm myself to sleep.

Lately worrying has notched up again; about stuff going on like Presto and the fact that I still don’t have a job and no one is breaking down my door to give me one. Keep in mind, my daydream decorating was always something achievable, not the kind of renovations I would do if I won the lottery. So I’ve started redecorating again. In this house, in my head. But now with the internet (and a self inflicted HGTV addiction), I can get real ideas. And maybe, someday, start to bring them to life.

I am going to start in the living room, just a basic makeover. Starting with a couch that is new and wasn’t once in the entry of my old work, a chaise with some fabulous table lamps (I’ve always dreamed of lying around all day on a chaise while reading books), a big flat screen television mounted on the wall so I have more room for seating (I have one of those ‘old fashioned TVs that takes up four square feet for only 34″ of screen), and a special area rug because the rugs always make a difference in every makeover show I see. I’ve been looking around (you know, in case I do win the lottery) and I wanted to share some of the ones I fell in love with. I found all these at Overstock because I have the feeling my chances of winning the lottery will depend on me actually buying a ticket….and well, they have great prices and someday maybe I’ll have a job again.



lamp tv area rug

Honestly, doesn’t it look great so far? Perhaps I should try out to be the next DesignStar, what do you think?

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending

Shhh, there is a baby asleep in my bed. I got to see the newest addition yesterday in the NICU. He is tiny, but doing well. His breathing is doing great, they took him off the vent, then put him on a cannula and by yesterday morn his ABGs were so good they were thinking about talking that off too. They are considering his gestational age at 30 weeks (so the neonatologist was wrong in her hopes that he was 32-33). So the doc says consider her due date (Aug 26th) as the date he may get to come home. It could be earlier, but we won’t know for some time. The issue now will be feeding. Apparently babies this young aren’t quite ready for food. The have started a pic line and a feeding tube. They will begin with just some sugar water and over the next few weeks start introducing some proteins/food slowly. There is some risk he may react to the food, not be able to tolerate it, or develop an infection. The doc says the NICU is a roller coaster ride and right now we are on the kiddie ride, but at any moment we could end up at the top of a big drop and not know how we got there. He took the pacifier and sucked a few times, which is a very good sign. Funny aside: the NICU doc recognized me as he was RolyPoly’s NICU doc in April and he remembered RolyPoly and asked how he was doing. I guess you could say I am getting to be the NICU Grama-expert. Not a great title, but I’ll take what I can get. Mom recovered very quickly and is doing pretty well. Still getting a little magnesium for her HBP, but otherwise great. Except she really wanted to go see little “Presto”. Thanks to Anna for his nickname, because it really was ‘hey, you are going to have a baby in a few weeks and then “Presto”: You are having a baby right now!’ I am not sure (because I have been babysitting RolyPoly this morning), but I think SusyQ was going to be allowed to try and get up to walk a bit last night and visit Presto in the NICU. Hope that went well.

In the meanwhile, I need to get back to 4th of July aprons or it will be November before they are done and what a waste that will be. Sometimes life throws punches at me and I can deflect them, sometimes they land a good blow. I just take it as best I can. The Universe sent me this note this morning and I am trying to take it to heart:

Actually, Vixen, it’s easier to accept others, than to change them.

It’s wiser to understand them, than to get angry.

And most of the time, it’s more fun to love ’em, than to leave ’em.

Your call,
The Universe

Have a wonderful Thursday and enjoy your loved ones. Sometimes it’s not easy, but it is always worth it in the end.

A Little Laid Up

So you may have heard, if you follow me on twitter, that I fell off a horse. Of course, looking at the lack of posts on this blog you may have thought I fell of the the planet, but no; it was just a horse.

Long story short (or as short as possible): We went on our first trail ride last Tuesday (or two tuesdays ago,whatever) and I really enjoyed the trials out there. My lovely horse, Rain, decided that since she had not been ridden since last DECEMBER that about 5 miles out she was tired and wanted to go home. I must note at this time, she was not difficult about it at all and although kept letting me know she’d like to turn around and head for home she never did not respond right back to my correction. She did exactly what I told her to do. However, the trainer thought that maybe she should ride Rain back to “teach her a lesson.” At the time it didn’t sound like a bad idea, the trainer said her horse was “super gentle and well behaved”. Which he was. He also had “sore feet” (which I didn’t know about at the time) and is a huge stumbler. I hadn’t been on him more than two minutes when he tripped in a little culvert. According to an eye witness (Bear), I did a valiant job of catching myself and re-seating my arse where it belonged from the initial stumble. Unfortunately for me, Caspar decided immediately after the stumble (or during, it’s kinda blurry), to leap out of the culvert. I didn’t feel the leap coming and so I guess you can say he went forward and I forgot to follow. With the horse no longer beneath me, I had no where to go but down. Although it did not happen in slow motion like on tv, I did have a split second to think that if I landed flat on my derrier I may undo any success of my repaired herniated disc, so I tucked my knees up towards my chest and took the brunt of the landing on my mid back. This immediately resulted in a complete lack of oxygen in my lungs and a quite overwhelming pain around my entire middle section. Although all my extremities moved when I asked them to, they did refuse to respond to my brain’s requests to roll over and stand up for at least 10 minutes (during which Bear freaked out and yelled “ARE YOU OKAY?!” at me over and over). Eventually, I stood and I knew it was too far to walk out, so I hopped up onto Bear’s horse (it was closest and shortest and about all I could accomplish at the time). All I wanted to do was get back to the ranch. Bear’s horse responds much better to her than me (okay it responds to me NOT AT ALL) and wanted to trot home and wouldn’t stop. After a few miles (tears pouring from my eyes), the damned beast slowed enough for me to bail off its back and I walked the rest of the way home. From now on I am sticking to my own horse, who I know and trust. No more strange horses for me.

Falling off a horse is not a pleasant experience and my body took more lumps, bumps, bruises and general abuse that it really would care too. And recuperation time is slow going. I have good days and bad days. I do believe my tailbone is broken, a painful situation I had to deal with when my 10-pound MacDougal was expelled from my body at birth and one I had hoped to never experience again.

Mostly the middle of my back took the brunt of my collision with the ground from high above and is taking its very sweet time overcoming its soreness. I ice and heat several times a day and I think I am progressing very well. Not as well as a 20-year old might, but hey I wouldn’t give up my 47 years of wisdom for a 20 year old body at all!

Many of you have already left me (by that I mean my blog) and moved on to more writer-ly, posting bloggers and I totally understand. I hope in the next few weeks/months to draw you all back in with my biting wit, sunny sarcasm, boring lifestyle and, of course, more pictures of my beautiful grandchildren.

PS: I want  you all to know that I have been back up on the back of my horse, Rain. We are working very slowly and only in the arena ring for now, but it went very well.

In summer, winter, rain or sun; it’s good to be on horseback

I have been thinking for some time now about getting Bear back into riding. It gives her a hobby, rewards her for her hard work and has always increased her self esteem. The added bonus was that I loved watching her bloom and enjoy. I also have a special place in my own heart for horses. I’ve always denied myself things that I enjoy….always considering other things that would please the entire family or my husband or my kids. You know, the ultimate mommy/wife: Them first, me second. I don’t regret those years at all, but I have come to realize that ‘me-second’ usually equated to ‘me-never’. Life has been tossing me hard lessens left and right over the past two years and I am nothing if not a quick learner. What I am learning most is that life is short and you had best enjoy it while you can!

I am working hard on being a better me. A better mom. A better wife. But mostly, just better at being me. I need a life full of love and family and  joy and health. To achieve that I have to work. Not hard work, just attention to detail work. One way I have decided to embark is leasing a horse. Not leasing a horse for Bear, but for myself. Bear is a hard worker (even while being a full-time college student-you go girl!) and is leasing her own horse. But we are doing it together. I get just as much joy (and exercise!) as her and we get to spend time together doing something we both love. Obviously, God was smiling on me when I made this decision, because we found a pair of horses available (owned by a mother/daughter team) that love each other as much as Bear and I love each other.

Even better? The horses picked us. We honestly just bonded together. Without further ado, I introduce our newest heart-holders: Knighthawk and Rain. Knighthawk is a buckskin Mustang, who fell in love with my little filly girl at first sight. Rain is a beautiful black Tennessee Walker who I swear performed a Vulcan mind-meld on me that sealed the deal. So far, we have only ridden a bit in the ring and given them both a much needed bath. Tomorrow we will go out on our first trail ride. I can hardly wait.

In Which My Doctor Yells At Me

Back when my insurance ended in February 09, I made sure I had a 3-month Rx of my diabetes meds filled to hold me over until I got a job. Then I didn’t get a job. In July, when I had my surgery my sugars were pretty high and they had to give me insulin twice, but once the pain calmed down and I had my meds I was okay. Since the surgery was so costly, I managed to meet my ridiculously high MediCal share of cost that month and had another 3-month supply filled. That ran out in mid October. I still thought I would get better and get a job. Neither of those things happened. I still don’t have a job and I am still on disability. The holidays and life distracted me. I started feeling worse and worse. But I didn’t talk about it. I was too ashamed. I didn’t want to share here, because I just knew that I would get yelled at. By my mom, my kids and probably by you. My doctor’s office called and said I needed to have an HbA1c done before she would prescribe anymore meds. I didn’t hurry and get it done for two reasons 1) It’s an expensive test and 2)I didn’t have the money to fill the Rx anyway. That’s what I told myself. And the not talking about it to anyone helped because I could put it out of the front of my mind and ignore it.

Then I got two candidas infections in a three week period. I knew what the connection was. High blood sugar. Heck, I hadn’t had one of those infections in 20 years and now I’d had two. I started listening a bit (in the back of my mind) to my body. Noticed how fatigued I was constantly, how many dull headaches I was having. How much time I spent running to the bathroom. Seriously, I think I pee as much as all the people who attended Woodstock combined in one day. I dug out my glucose monitor, but the battery was dead.

Then a few weeks ago at CVS, an employee was handing out information on their new minute clinic. Turns out the clinic does low cost HbA1c testing. I didn’t go right away, because I thought you had to be fasting to have it done and every time I remembered I had already eaten (lame excuses run rampant throughout this post, beware).  Besides, I’d gone without medication before in my life and it always turned out okay. I’d get around to it when things weren’t so busy.

Yesterday, I got up and it was like I’d hit a wall. I had nothing left in me. I took my vaginally itching, exhausted, 10 pound lighter self down to the Minute Clinic. Turns out you don’t have to be fasting anymore for the test, so I could have had it anytime. However, the nurse informed me that if I waited until the next day Bayer was sponsoring a new program in which the testing was FREE. Of course, I could wait one day, right? So I went home. I bought a battery for my monitor. I was going to get things straight now, I was sure. The nurse called a few minutes later to tell me that she had the date wrong and the free program didn’t start until Sunday. No problem, I’d go then.

I tested my blood sugar…..311. Fasting. HOLY SHIT, I thought. I checked the memory. Highest I’d had was back in September at 212. Wow, good thing I am getting this taken care of. I called the pharmacy to see what my last meds and dosages to have the information ready. They thought I wanted a refill and contacted the doctor’s office. The office called me. The doc wouldn’t give me refills unless I came to see her, since it had been over a year. They offered me a special cash discount and could see me the very next morning. Okay, I guess that would be best, but I thought she needed the HbA1c results first? No, she needed to see me first. Okay. (It really is amazing how wrong I had the entire thing since medical stuff is usually one of my more expert areas).

As the day progressed, I played a lot with my monitor because I just didn’t feel well. Later in the night, after a couple of pomegranate margaritas, I got a reading of “HI”. Concerned I got out the manual. A reading of high means that blood sugar is over 600. I nearly fainted. Then decided the machine was wrong. Did it again. Results: HI. My oh my, I thought. I was so scared I couldn’t even twitter about it. Those who know of my twitter addiction will understand how frightening that is (also twitter went down for an hour). I broke down and told my resident CNA and nursing student, Bear. She wanted to take me to the hospital. After much consultation with Doctor Google and verification checks from her that I was not severely dehydrated or in DKA, I convinced her it must be the damn margaritas. (I rarely, maybe once a year drink them). She grabbed the bottle and checked the sugar content and wow is there is some serious sugar in that stuff. She still wanted to at least call the hospital. I said let’s just keep checking my sugars to see if it was these sweet syrupy drinks. Sure enough, in 15 minutes I was registering again at 569, 1/2 an hour and down to 484, then 411. I was allowed to stay home for the night.

So today I went to my doctor. And she didn’t really yell at me. What she did was keep putting her hand on my shoulder and saying kindly, but very sternly, “I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me” and “I have samples for you of the expensive medication and when you run low, call me” and lastly “Don’t ever go off your meds again. I can help you, but only if you call me“. Sheesh, she was so damned sweet about it I cried. Broke down in tears. “I’m a hot mess”, I told her. She again told me she can’t help me if I don’t tell her. I told her about the “HI” readings and how freaked out I was and she confirmed it was that margarita mix, combined with the fact that I am working off a base in the 300’s. Not the place I should be starting the mornings off. She got me all set up with meds (for free) and a scrip for the other one that only cost me $10 for a 90-day supply. On Monday, I will take her the results of the HbA1c test and have a quick nurse visit to check my sugar level for free. We’ll see if my body goes back to its well-behaved self with the meds in 3-months and if not, we will discuss possible changes in meds or a change to insulin if necessary. I left after paying for the visit with a cash discount of 37% off and my promise I’ll be back in three months to follow up. Even I can afford that.

So here I am, sharing it all and hopefully on my way to recovery. I now know why I don’t have the energy to follow through on anything, most especially posting on my beloved blog. I was afraid I might let out my secret and you would all yell at me. But I was only hurting myself, because really you can’t help me if I don’t talk to you, right?

Everything ends. But there are always new beginnings.

If we have been pleased with life,
we should not be displeased with death,
since it comes from the hand 
of the same master. – Michaelangelo

Lady Guinevere Of Camelot IV 1993-2010

Well folks, it’s been a long week since I last updated you. I received the official results of my MRI last Tuesday. My surgeon says I still have a protruding disc with compression of two nerve roots on the left (previous surgery was on the right). Long story short, he will not do the surgery (he is not a MediCal provider and only did the original surgery because “he was on call when I came into the ER.” I am looking for another surgeon who does participate, but am currently undergoing my yearly re-certification process with MediCal and must complete that first.

The rest of the week was kind of a blur do to back pain and lack of sleep. My beloved Lady Gwen, after 17 good years with me, lost control of her rear end and all that goes with it. She was up most nights, all night and although I knew I had to make the hard decision, I put it off as long as I could. On Saturday, I made the choice and was with her when the vet helped her on her way. It was peaceful.

Life swings like a giant pendulum, each day bringing a new challenge or reward. Yesterday, we attended a 3D ultrasound of RolyPoly, who is now 28wks5days. He looks just like his daddy, in my opinion. I have edited down the 15 min video to a manageable bit here so you can enjoy with us.

I am ready, for whatever life sends me today.

Where I’ve Been and Where I’m Going

I blinked my eyes and all of a sudden it had been 4 days since my last post! If 2k10 continues at this pace, I will have to get my year-end post ready sometime next month!

If you haven’t heard (probably because I am terrible at getting the word out) I have a NEW SITE. As a gift a wonderful and dear twitter friend I met in person, purchased on my behalf and is hosting it for me. This is cool on all kinds of levels: my own domain and saving the cost of fees I had to pay at Etsy. Also I can do advertising and make the blog look however I want it to. Okay, I mean I can make it look however I can figure out how to do things. It is quite the challenge for me to learn all this new coding and such. Overwhelming, in fact. If any of you with experience want to jump in and volunteer, please feel free! The etsy site is still up, as I have to move all the products from over there to over here (unless someone wants to go buy them all instead, hah). As soon as I get everything moved over and I have the time (and my back let’s me sit at the computer long enough) to remake some badges (once again, volunteers are welcome) with the new site on it, I will let all of you who host advertising for me know to update the links. I also have several new designs I am working on! One of them is already posted. You should go buy see it right here!

I had my MRI today. After my dad agreed to pay for it I called my surgeon to schedule the follow up visit as he indicated. The office manager answered the phone and was rude, unprofessional and way out of line. Seems she just noticed that I am MediCal patient and her doctor does not accept MediCal. She told me to find a PCP and get set up with them. For hell sakes, idiot, I don’t need a PCP. All they would do is refer me to a neurologist. At any rate, she claims my visits are no longer follow up visits from my surgery (although I still have the same issues) and they won’t see me accept on a cash basis. I say screw you. I made arrangements with the imaging center to pick up my own results tomorrow. At that time I will decide where to go from here. If there is still a herniation, I guess I could threaten the old surgeon with a malpractice suit to get seen, but I don’t really want to go there. I’ll decide tomorrow.

I continue to have a lack of anything happening that is worthy of posting and a creative blockage of locating anything of interest. I am still hoping this is just a temporary problem and that I haven’t actually misplaced my mind, never to be seen again.

I am thinking about starting a 365 Picture Challenge for myself (keep me busy, keep me motivated, keep me from getting more depressed). If I start, I will post the pics over at Vixen’s 365. Yes, the site that I started years ago to do a 365 challenge and never did it. So we shall see how that works out this time.

This Saturday, I am going to meet Hungry Girl. If you are in the San Diego area, you too are invited. If you are going to go, let me know so we can meet IRL!!!! I adore meeting new people. Plus we get free yogurt! Details if you are interested:

Ever wanted to put a face to the famed Hungry Girl name?  Now’s your chance to meet the New York Times best-selling author and a leading voice in weight management!

Additionally, you’ll have the opportunity to try Yoplait Fiber One yogurt in Strawberry and Key Lime Pie; it’s the only leading national brand of nonfat yogurt with 50-calories and 5 grams of fiber. You will also have the chance to get giveaway items, play games and win prizes.

Yoplait Fiber One would like to invite you to a tasting event in San Diego on Saturday, January 16, at Horton Valley Plaza (324 Horton Plaza).  There, you’ll have the opportunity to meet Lisa Lillien, a.k.a. Hungry Girl, who will be chatting with consumers and dishing out tips on tasty, lower-calorie snack options from 1 p.m. – 4 p.m. PST.  She’ll also be signing her book, Hungry Girl 200 Under 200, and can answer your questions about guilt-free recipes and snacks. You can also share the event info with your readers, and encourage them to attend as well.

“Once you have mastered time, you will understand how true it is that most people overestimate what they can accomplish in a year – and underestimate what they can achieve in a decade!”

Tomorrow begins the end of a decade. It seems to me, upon reflection, this has been one of my most amazing decades. Both good and bad, it has been a decade of change.

We rang in this decade at Great’s cabin. All the family together as we hadn’t been in years and haven’t been since. Aunts uncles, nieces, nephews, grandparents, greats altogether just in case the world came crashing down (Y2K) gathered in that tiny cabin in the woods. The world didn’t end, but we had a great party and a wonderful time visiting.

This decade has seen all three of my children age into adulthood; three graduations, three 18th birthdays and three beautiful, successful children become adults. This decade two of them started their own families, separate lives with their special someone. Two beautiful weddings; each unique and perfect for their own participants. And now at the end of this decade, I am the mother of all adults. No longer children, beginning to count their own decades.

This decade brought an end to our time in our home on Honey Water, the home never occupied by anyone but our family since 1998 and burned in the great fires of October 2007. Nothing left but a bit of shell, visited by us and mourned by us. A decade in which, Mr. Vixen underwent a life changing (and yet still undiagnosed) illness and the beginning of my learning to live my life with another person with depressive bi-polar disorder. The beginning of panic attacks and knee surguries and loss of jobs. A once productive and hard working soul, stuck in a body denying him what he wanted to do (support his family) and thus creating a demon in his head he cannot shake.

A decade in which we celebrated our landmark 25th wedding anniversary. And a decade in which we went from making the most money we had ever made in our lives together to the lowest position we have ever found ourselves. From helping our kids, to begging for help for ourselves. Losing our home, being evicted, and learning the ins and outs of the social welfare system. A time of many wonderful pool parties and hot tub get togethers and a time of food stamps and no health care. During this decade I have gone from working two full time jobs at the same time, to being unemployed or disabled.

This past decade has brought me the joys of grandchildren and the sorrows of loss. Joy and blessings in the births of  Ladybug and Butterball. Grief and heartache attending the funeral of my grandson and after Ladybugs strokes and subsequent seizures. From healthy kids and miracle recoveries; to necrotizing fasciitis and begging a child to keep fighting and live. Ten years of wonderful work with some terrific people and the end of that era with a financial catastrophe across our nation.

With this decade, I have finally let go of toxic relationships that dragged me down for years; but found a new community which has lifted me up in its arms with support, love and compassion of a depth I haven’t known since childhood.

Alas, this decade has also brought the ages of time for me and just as my body doesn’t respond as quickly as it used to, my mind may not be as keen as it was (although I will not admit that again). So I am sure my children will have much to add in this reminiscence and chide me for some important event forgotten. That is okay, I like it that way!

It is my wish that each and every one of you celebrate safely and happily; that 2010 brings you more joy and happiness; and that the next decade be kind to all of us.

2010 will bring about a new twist for ApronFrenzy, thanks to the help of a friend, and the expectation of another addition (RolyPoly) in the grandchild column in April. Both pretty exciting if you ask me!

I hope you will continue to share my journey with me, as I chase life down the rabbit hole.

WW~A Season Of Giving

This Wordless Wednesday is not so wordless. I wanted to share with you how wonderful my family is by showing you my tree, but without words, it wouldn’t make any sense. This year things are so tight, I wasn’t going to have a tree. Not even a cheapo from the local hardware store. Last weekend, my kids and my mother all got together and conspired to get me a tree. It is all over decorated now with my Great Grandmother’s glass ornaments and the ones we have collected throughout our 27 years of the holidays together. I think it’s beautiful.

I also wanted to remind you all that the Blog • Bid • Hope auction benefiting The Liz Logelin Foundation and Anissa Mayhew. Begins today at the following sites. Adventures in Babywearing, Buried with Children, Mayhem & Moxie, Scary Mommy, 7 Clown Circus, The Extraordinary Ordinary, & Mama’s Losin’ It. Each has a variety of different goodies to auction. Bids start at $10 and bidding ends Friday. If you want to bid on the item I donated from ApronFrenzy, it is listed here at Holiday Baker’s Delight. I gave what I have to give and it circled back to me in the form of this lovely tree. Check out the auctions and see what you can give, if you win an auction the rewards are great.

Christmas 2009

As A Stranger Holds My World In Her Hand

Three years ago, August 31, 2006, my husband had an episode. The results of which (after thousands of dollars I spent after insurance) were they didn’t know what happened. He would pass out. He couldn’t move without becoming dizzy. His blood pressure plummeted and stayed low normal, even though he had high blood pressure and had been taking medication for years. He was unable to work. He developed crippling anxiety and paranoia. He became so depressed, we actually became afraid we would lose him. His knees were shot. After the one year of state disability was exhausted the only improvement was in his depression. The rest, most especially his knees became worse. He had several surgeries which were not helpful or successful. We applied for long term disability.

In the last three years we have been denied SSDI three times. We began our final appeal (a hearing before an Administrative Law Judge) one year ago. We tried to hire lawyers three times. One finally agreed to look at our case in January, but has not done a single thing for us. Just before this lawyer took our case, we had our first hearing with the judge, which she postponed so we could find a lawyer to take our case. The postponement was supposed to be a month or two. We finally were re-scheduled for a hearing today, nine months later.

Today it will finally end. One way or the other. My mom says even if we don’t get it, we aren’t any worse off than we are now, but I don’t believe that is true. It is true that my husband’s income was 60% of our household income and doing without it for the last years has been extremely difficult. There was an entire year when I worked two full time jobs, before I become so exhausted I couldn’t handle it. We had to give up our home of 10 years. We lived in an RV. We have been evicted, turned out for collections, had liens placed against us, owe thousands of dollars, been on food stamps, and are on MediCal. I have had to beg for money to eat. Not exactly the future we had worked hard for the last nearly 30 years. But, as mom says, we are already at the bottom.

The problem is, if he is denied, we lose hope. For all these years, we had hope. Hope that he would have some small amount of income from SSDI. Hope that it would be enough for us to sustain a bare minimum existence. Hope that he wouldn’t have to feel like he couldn’t contribute anymore. Hope we could pick ourselves up, brush ourselves off and climb back up.

A stranger, a judge, holds our hope in her hands today. I can’t say I have much faith in the system anymore. I want to, but I just can’t anymore.

Here goes nothing and everything.

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