Always Remembering
Today is October 15th,Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.
Light a candle at 7pm, tonight and join us all in remembrance of those gone too soon.
Stop by Band Back Together’s Wall Of Remembrance and show some love and support for those who have lost.
The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination.
My mind is an emotional explosion today. I just spent the most amazing three days at Blogher’11; experiencing the most vast array of emotions and experiences you could pack into such a short time. I have so much to share. Some truly amazing experiences I will share with you over the next while, including dinner last evening with two amazing women (whom I had never met before), that was probably the best experience of the entire convention.
Not surprisingly, I was particularly moved by certain aspects during the week, that had to do with grief, loss and the heartfelt support some of us have received from this amazing community. The reason it is not so surprising, is that tomorrow is three years since Watermelon came into our lives and just as suddenly left; leaving us lost, bereft and heartbroken. Today we are having our annual memorial and balloon release and during the conference that was always in my mind, no matter how 
distracted I was.
There is a lot to process, so much new insight and new questions about this process of love and loss. I just want to thank everyone who has (and still are) helping me on this journey. Three years is a long time. Three years is a short time. An eternity and yesterday. Fresh and old. Who knows how long this takes? Five years? Never? Tomorrow? I don’t know. but I do know that I couldn’t have come this far in the journey without your love, support and understanding. We are an amazing tribe, aren’t we?
I am going to send another message to heaven today, tied to a balloon, and watch it drift above until it disappears from my site. I am not just writing to Collin though, this year I want to reach out to others up there, remember them and the amazing women who’s lives they touched: Maddie, Boo, Christine and many others. If I met you this weekend, shook your hand, or hugged you….just know that today I am again thinking of you and that touch/hug. Bless you all.
Only Happy Tears
This song is just so beautiful…when Dolly’s voice joins in on the chorus if give me goose bumps. The lyrics are so uplifting and lovely, I shared them below the video. Happy Sunday.
When I get where I’m going
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I’m gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.
I’m gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it’s like
To ride a drop of rain
Yeah when I get where I’m going,
there’ll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I’ll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I’m going,
Don’t cry for me down here.
I’m gonna walk with my grandaddy,
and he’ll match me step for step,
and I’ll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I’ll hug his neck.
So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can’t answer,
so much work to do.
But when I get where I’m going,
and I see my Maker’s face.
I’ll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.
Yeah when I get where I’m going,
Yeah when I get where I’m going,
there’ll be only happy tears.
Hallelujah!
I will love and have no fear.
When I get where I’m going.
Yeah when I get where I’m going.
My Candle In The Night
Some days still, I have flashback moments. Submerged in the feeling, the sensation, the moment. The sound of panic and fear in her voice when she called. The frustration while running down the hall alongside the gurney that I couldn’t get her earrings out for her. Holding my son’s face between my hands and looking deeply into his eyes, telling him firmly that everything was going to be all right. I truly believed that it would be, babies are born earlier than 34 weeks and do just fine. That feeling of relief when the nurse came out and said he was here, having a little trouble breathing, but someone would be out shortly to show us up to the NICU. A sinking feeling, like drowning slowly, as those minutes lengthened and we were left standing and wondering. Trying to grasp the look on the doctor’s face as he came through those doors, his words “I’m so sorry, so sorry”, echoing in my head.
Two years since I last held you in my arms. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you, but your birthday is the hardest. When your little brother sits in his swing by your memorial garden, I watch him. He sometimes makes noises that sound like he is carrying on an entire conversation with someone, his back to me. Other times, he gazes up into the top of a tree and the most beatific smile spreads across his entire face and I know. I know you are there with him. You make a perfect guardian angel. It may not have been the choice we would have made for you, but I trust God. He knows a bit more than I do.
I love you Collin Michael. And although I miss you daily, I know that when my time comes to enter the long darkness you will be there. My bright beacon, my candle in the night, to guide me to the light.
(picture credit to ~ethereal-forest303 from Deviant Art)
Firelight will not let you read fine stories but it’s warm and you won’t see the dust on the floor
I am obsessed with lights I tell ya! Mr. Vixen constantly runs around the house turning them off behind me, while I circle around in front of him turning them back on. Now that it is summer time, we spend more and more time outside. We have a set of hanging lights within the screen porch, but I like the breeze I feel when I sit out at the patio table by the pond in Collin’s Memorial Garden. (Which is looking quite lovely now that things are growing in, so I think I shall share a picture with you of it in a moment). Back to lights. All 
long time ago I found (and I cannot remember where, when or how) a set of lights that you could put on your umbrella. Ours died a long, long time ago and I have been missing them terribly. So you can imagine my joy when I found these over at http://www.csnlighting.com. Sadly for me, my yard looks nothing as nice as this picture. Happily for me, the people over at CSN are going to send me a set of umbrella to try out on my umbrella. I doubt they will make my yard look this nice, but I am sure it will be a great improvement when I am out communing at the fountain. After I receive them, I will tell you all about them!
Oh yea, and here is a pic of Collin’s (aka Watermelon) Memorial Garden with all the plants growing so well (I can’t find the original from when we first built/planted it because I am brain dead):
Since You Asked…
There is still time to go and enter for your chance to win a $25 gift certificate from Target along with some goodies here. You have until Sunday to enter! Many asked for my Fried Cream Cheese Wonton recipe and so here it is:
I combined: 1 package of cream cheese, softened 1 egg, beaten 1/2 to 1 tsp. onion powder (you can use chopped green onion if you family doesn’t hate “crunch 1/2 tsp. garlic powder 1/2 TBSP sugar- I am having a baby shower this Sunday! Funsize is 33 weeks today and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little uneasy about this time. Collin was born at 33 wks 4 days and the day before his shower was to happen. What happened was nothing they could have seen coming and there is no reason to believe it could happen again, but I am a bit on pins and needles. I just want to get through the next few weeks and celebrate with joy the arrival of my grandson. I pray daily and it seems to help keep me on an even keel for now.
- My Medi-Cal was reinstated yesterday, so I am on the search for a surgeon. I want nothing more than to get better and find a job!!!!
- I am working on a gift for the shower. And it’s something I have never tried before. I might be a little intimidated. But I have some online friends who are experts, so I have help if I need it.
- I am having another giveaway next week.
- It’s MARCH! How did that happen. St. Patrick’s Day is my 2nd favorite holiday. If you celebrate, you should head on over to ApronFrenzy and grab a Paddy’s Day apron (they are on SALE, $6 off) and they are just so much fun.
- I want/need to write a hard-to-write post (I know, again?). It has to do with close knit communities, the tarnishing of a place where my kids/grandkids grew up, being part of a search team and the loss of a beautiful 17 year old young lady that should not have happened.
- Did I mention there is a baby shower? I need to get on decorations and food. Gotta run!
Find the Vixen
For Realz
Spread The Frenzy
Barked Back