Category: Watermelon (Page 2 of 4)

Firelight will not let you read fine stories but it’s warm and you won’t see the dust on the floor

I am obsessed with lights I tell ya! Mr. Vixen constantly runs around the house turning them off behind me, while I circle around in front of him turning them back on. Now that it is summer time, we spend more and more time outside. We have a set of hanging lights within the screen porch, but I like the breeze I feel when I sit out at the patio table by the pond in Collin’s Memorial Garden. (Which is looking quite lovely now that things are growing in, so I think I shall share a picture with you of it in a moment). Back to lights.  All long time ago I found (and I cannot remember where, when or how) a set of lights that you could put on your umbrella. Ours died a long, long time ago and I have been missing them terribly. So you can imagine my joy when I found these over at http://www.csnlighting.com. Sadly for me, my yard looks nothing as nice as this picture. Happily for me, the people over at CSN are going to send me a set of umbrella to try out on my umbrella. I doubt they will make my yard look this nice, but I am sure it will be a great improvement when I am out communing at the fountain. After I receive them, I will tell you all about them!

Oh yea, and here is a pic of Collin’s (aka Watermelon) Memorial Garden with all the plants growing so well (I can’t find the original from when we first built/planted it because I am brain dead):

Since You Asked…

There is still time to go and enter for your chance to win a $25 gift certificate from Target along with some goodies here. You have until Sunday to enter! Many asked for my Fried Cream Cheese Wonton recipe and so here it is:

I combined:
1 package of cream cheese, softened
1 egg, beaten
1/2 to 1 tsp. onion powder (you can use chopped green onion if you family doesn’t hate “crunch
1/2 tsp. garlic powder
1/2 TBSP sugar
I then put a small amount of the cheese mixture in the center of the wonton wrapper. Wet the edges of the wrapper with a little bit of water. I folded them into triangles, and crimped up the two corners (like origami). Fry in oil until golden brown and drain on paper towels. Yum, yum, yummy.
There is a lot going on around here this week. I am crazy busy.
  • I am having a baby shower this Sunday! Funsize is 33 weeks today and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t a little uneasy about this time. Collin was born at 33 wks 4 days and the day before his shower was to happen. What happened was nothing they could have seen coming and there is no reason to believe it could happen again, but I am a bit on pins and needles. I just want to get through the next few weeks and celebrate with joy the arrival of my grandson. I pray daily and it seems to help keep me on an even keel for now.
  • My Medi-Cal was reinstated yesterday, so I am on the search for a surgeon. I want nothing more than to get better and find a job!!!!
  • I am working on a gift for the shower. And it’s something I have never tried before. I might be a little intimidated. But I have some online friends who are experts, so I have help if I need it.
  • I am having another giveaway next week.
  • It’s MARCH! How did that happen. St. Patrick’s Day is my 2nd favorite holiday. If you celebrate, you should head on over to ApronFrenzy and grab a Paddy’s Day apron (they are on SALE, $6 off) and they are just so much fun.
  • I want/need to write a hard-to-write post (I know, again?). It has to do with close knit communities, the tarnishing of a place where my kids/grandkids grew up, being part of a search team and the loss of a beautiful 17 year old young lady that should not have happened.
  • Did I mention there is a baby shower? I need to get on decorations and food. Gotta run!

October 15th, 2009 7pm

Softly the leaves of memory fall
Gently I gather and treasure them all,
Unseen, unheard you are always near,
So missed, so loved, so very dear.
No longer in our lives to share,
But in our hearts you’re always there

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National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Wave of Light

www.october15th.com

A Wave Of Light Might Prevent A Wave of Pain

Who doesn’t know about Going Pink in October? Even the NFL got involved this year. Is it too much? I doubt it, my grandmother survived breast cancer and I would like for there to be a cure for the sake of the women at risk in my family.

But October is more than pink. It is also Blue. Designated in 1988 by President Reagan, October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. We (by that I mean me) don’t just believe it is important to remember our lost loved ones, but to make all people more aware of the possibilities of loss. Just as mammograms save lives, so may research and awareness of pregnancy and infant loss. So this month, besides your bits of pink, wear a blue ribbon too. And when people ask why and you make them aware, the battle is already half fought.

As for October 15th, this is the special day during the month-long campaign in which we create the Wave Of Light across the world to remember our lost babies. Light your candles tonight at 7pm and help the world remember all the lost little ones. I’ll be lighting Collin’s, see you then.

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WW~ Messages To Heaven (Collin’s Memorial 8/9/09)

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Some people only dream of Angels, we held one in our arms

A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam. And for a brief moment, Its glory and beauty belong to our world…But then it flies on again, And though we wish it could have stayed, We feel so lucky to have seen it.

IMG_0946a Loved with a love beyond telling, missed with a grief beyond all tears

Collin Michael Acord

August 9, 2008

I See The Storm Gathering

I see the storm approaching this time. No surprises, I think. Before we were unprepared, we didn’t even know what had hit us at first. We were blind sided and knocked out cold. But now, the skies have cleared a bit and I can see the storm coming. Relentlessly, it bears down upon me and I watch as it hits the rickety repairs we have made around our hearts. I stand, transfixed, as it rips at the foundation we have laid in the last year. I want to run and hide. I want to find a shelter where it cannot touch us. I want to be like the eagle, I really do.

Did you know that an eagle knows when a storm is approaching long before it breaks? The eagle will fly to some high spot and wait for the winds to come. When the storm hits, it sets its wings so that the wind will pick it up and lift it above the storm. While the storm rages below, the eagle is soaring above it. The eagle does not escape the storm. It simply uses the storm to lift it higher. It rises on the winds that bring the storm.

Old grief, new grief. Grief that never left for some. New scars, old scars. Wounds ripped open and new ones being created. I want to fly above it all, yet I want to be there. In the middle of the storm. Passing sandbags to shore up weak hearts. Boarding up the windows on our souls. Mopping up the torrential downpour so no one slips and falls into the abyss. Collecting blankets to keep us warm during the flood of pain. Handing out first aid supplies to stave of infections of the heart. Building shelters to minimize destruction of our psyches.

Or just…..

Turning back time, so it never came.

Endlessly, it seems, the storm crashes over us. I cannot see where we are headed, but I know if we just hang on we may find the light on the other side of the clouds. I’ll just keep them moving along with me. After all, the storm will blow itself out eventually…..

I hope.

And Collin, I know you are in heaven watching us fumble along through this and I love you.

Angels and Dads

Today is Father’s Day. A bittersweet day for my son, MacDougal: His first Father’s Day as a father and yet his first Father’s Day without his son. I had found this beautifully written prayer to share for him today, but was reminded by the lovely ladies at Room704 that today is a day of firsts also for Mike, Maddie’s father. So I want to extend Father’s day wishes full of love, hugs, and support to all the fathers out there who share the deep and meaningful title of Dad.

Our Father…Who art in Heaven…
I come to you with a heavy heart today…
I know you know..but I have lost my child..
And am feeling  like I have lost my way.

People seem to think I am so strong…
I am not invincible…I am not superman…
I am just a grieving Father…missing my child
And could use a friendly helping hand.

I have always been the typical fixer-upper type of Dad…
I could fix anything…ever since I was ten…
But I cannot fix the clock of time…
But, Please God, can you help me wind it up again?

Please bless all the grieving Fathers….
Each hour throughout this day….
With the strength to keep moving ahead…
Even one baby step at a time …would be okay.

Please bless all grieving Fathers…
Each Day throughout this week…
And guide them on their journey of grief…
As the meaning of life they do seek.

Please bless all grieving Fathers…
Each week this whole month through…
With memories to last a lifetime….
And understanding friends to turn to.

Please bless all grieving Fathers…
Each month throughout this year…
With hugs to comfort…in our time of need
And people to realize…our grief doesn’t just disappear.

Please bless all grieving Fathers…
Each Year until the end of time…
With faith in You…to see us through…
From sunrise to sunset…for our whole lifetime.

Please God Bless all the grieving fathers…
Each day throughout this year…
As seasons change…
And time unfolds…
Day by day…
Month by month…
Year by year…
And especially today…on this Fathers Day.
Amen

Written by :
Laura/Heavenly Lights Childrens Memorial

Memory Garden

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collinsgarden

We miss you daily
Flowers bright like your soul
A place to reflect

Memory garden
Not healing our hearts
Instead calming them

You belong with us
Nature reminds me you’re near
I water with tears

We planted a memorial garden for Collin earlier this year. My thumb is not very green and so it struggled at first. Now it is starting to grow and flourish. I created the above remembrance photo by layering these two from the garden:

June 2009 116 June 2009 117

For more Haiku Friday visit A Mommy Story.

People wish to be settled: only as far as they are unsettled is there any hope for them.

I awoke at 4:41 am this morning.  Tears coursing down my cheeks, feeling confused and sad. After a moment, it comes to me. My mind has gone, in sleep, where I have refused to tread for months. Back to that night in August.

It had been a long and painful day. I did all I could to care for everyone around me. Touching each and everyone of them while they held him. On their arm, elbow, shoulder. Handing out hugs and tissues as needed. After everyone had gone to bed I was unable to sleep. I sat outside on the little patio. I don’t know what I did or thought, but hours ticked by. Then suddenly it hits me.

I call Nanny and wake her up, sobbing into the phone, “I forgot to say goodbye. I was so busy taking care of everyone, I didn’t take my moment.” Not knowing what to say, she wakes my mother and puts her on the phone too. I am inconsolable. “I just need to hold him for a bit. To look under that cap at his hair. To count his fingers and toes. To kiss his cheeks. I forgot to say goodbye.” They remind me the nurse said they would keep Collin near by until morning in case the parents wanted to see him again and to call the desk to ask if I can come see him

I think it is after midnight. I speak with the nurses at the main station, I am crying and trying to explain. I sound a bit over the edge of sanity, even to myself. But he has already been taken downstairs. I will have to talk to security. I am transferred and I try again to explain my needs, my desperation. The tone of his voice makes me know I am on the other side of the sanity line. He needs to talk to the charge nurse. They will call me back.

My torrent of grief and pain and fear begins to subside while I wait. It takes so long for the hospital to call me back that I become sure they are trying to find someone with a nice ‘special’ jacket to come pick me up. I have frightened my daughter and my mother. I probably have frightened the nurses too. The charge nurse calls back. There are rules, blah, blah, can I wait till morning (no he will be too cold, I think, but I don’t say-as I am starting to get a handle on my crazy now) and they would have to wake the parents for permission. No. No. I don’t want that. I am fine. I am okay. I was just having a moment. I am over it now I tell them all.

The hours wind by. I clean. I fold laundry. I listen to music. I cry alone. I go outside around 4:40 am to take out the garbage. Six feet from the parking lot I freeze. Here in the city, in the middle of a parking lot, is a coyote. Only a few feet from me, he stops and stares. Actually we stare, our eyes locked. The coyote is young, lean and wiry. His fur reflects the bright moonlight and his eyes are deep and dark. More moments pass as I feel like I am missing something, not hearing something, and then he lowers his head and walks slowly away. “Wait. Stop.” I say it out loud, without thinking. The raw sound spooks the coyote and he starts to lope across the lot. I run after him, across  the street and through another lot. I can hear his nails ticking on the asphalt,  but I can’t see him anywhere. I stop and turn around, seeking in the dark corners. “Wait, don’t go. Where are you?” No answer, I can’t hear him anymore.

And now here I am again. A different night, a different house, a different porch, but not so different. I am back in that moment again and I realize I failed myself. I didn’t remember to take care of me. In the light of day it has seemed bearable. But the quiet and peace of the night reveals the truth.

Wait.

Don’t go.

I forgot to say goodbye.

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