Tag: Loss

Shattered

I kneel before him and he stares at me with that puppy dog look I recognize since he was a boy. In his eyes I can see deep into his soul. I can hear his voice in my head. I lock my eyes to his and say out loud, “Yes you can. You can do it.” He shakes his head a bit, side to side. “No, I can’t”

I hold her hand tightly as she sobs. “I am so sorry”, she says. To herself, to him, to me, to the world. “No”, I say. “This is not your fault.” In her eyes I see her soul and in my head I hear her voice. “No”, I say again. “It is not your fault.”

Bear returns home that evening from their apartment. She weeps gently and tells me she got it all cleaned. “But there was so much blood, Mom.” She tells me God hates us. She tells me He does not deserve Collin. “No one. No one deserves that baby more than MacDougal.” I am silent.

The next morning I watch the sun rise. The day dawns as I weep. I see Him there, in the mix of light and dark. My soul reflects from His eyes. I can tell He hears my voice in His head, asking one thousand variants of “How can I…..?”. “You can”, He says. But I don’t think I believe it.

I Can't Breathe

But you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable,
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe ~ Anna Nalick, 2 am

Yesterday afternoon Funsize began bleeding. 911 was summoned and after an emergency c-section and 30 minutes of valiant effort by the doctors, my beloved grandson joined God as our angel.

As I held his tiny body with one arm and my grieving son with the other, I was seized by panic that for the first time in my life I am unable to make things better. I whispered in their ears my love for them, their beauty, their perfection. He was lovely. And perfect. Perfectly lovely.

I am broken. The pain is physical and grips me. Unable to cry, I stand by silently as I watch my son’s heart shatter into millions of icy, sharp, hard shards.

I cry now, at 4am and am unable to stop. Please keep Funsize and MacDougal in your hearts and prayers.

Collin Michael

5 lb 1 oz., 17.25″

Born 8/9/08, in our hearts forever.

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