To say that it has been quiet around this blog is quite an understatement, right? I wish I could say that life has been fun, busy, crazy, exciting…..you know, anything would sound good at this point. The truth is not as attractive. The truth hangs like a puffy, gray cloud high in the sky. It doesn’t do anything but float about, blocking the sun in spurts and then moving along across the horizon, leaving you wondering why it was there at all.
Last week I went to meet some lovely ladies at a late lunch downtown for a ‘tweet-up’. They were all young, intelligent, well-spoken, well-educated and, most importantly, doing something in their lives. Young mothers, balancing family, children and careers; be they in the home or outside. At one point someone asked me what I do. I found myself without words. What do I do? After a slightly uncomfortable silence (at least for me), I shrugged and murmured, “Nothing.” One of the bright, cheery and obviously thoughtful women chimed in, “She grandmas” and everyone chuckled.
I have been pondering since then, what this blog is for me. And, in fact, what my life is for me. My lack of submitted posts isn’t exactly for a lack of writing, but more of a lack of what I want to write about. I fully understand that this lull in my activity isn’t going to last forever (I hope and pray, anyway). And truthfully, not a lot of things worth writing about are happening right now. Also, since my blog has become more well known in ‘family’ circles, I don’t feel comfortable using this space as a place to bitch about how such-and-such made me angry or disappointed me or whatever.
The biggest block I have is me, myself and I. It has always been my way to find a positive light in every situation, I am an expert at locating the silver lining. I shy away from or avoid people who bring me down with constant complaining. So lately I don’t post because all I can think of to share or question daily is negative. I refuse to allow myself to become what I have always most avoided in life. I won’t allow myself to indulge in daily complaints or even just negative thoughts (at least in print).
I am working out what I want to say. Trying to find my voice again. The actuality is: I don’t know exactly who I am anymore.
I am a career employee- someone who worked, full time my entire adult life, suddenly jobless. I am a long-term mommy, suddenly without children to care for daily. I am an active, young, outdoorsy girl, suddenly forced to docility inside a body that is aging faster than my mind is.
I have many ideas swirling around. Who knows how or even if I can pursue them. Whatever I choose to do, I will do it here with you. This place, ever changing and evolving, is where I can use my voice. It is a place where I am proud to be me, whoever I am.
Here I can ask the questions I need to ask and hear the answers I need to hear.