Category: Remembrance (Page 2 of 3)

My Candle In The Night

Some days still, I have flashback moments. Submerged in the feeling, the sensation, the moment. The sound of panic and fear in her voice when she called. The frustration while running down the hall alongside the gurney that I couldn’t get her earrings out for her. Holding my son’s face between my hands and looking deeply into his eyes, telling him firmly that everything was going to be all right. I truly believed that it would be, babies are born earlier than 34 weeks and do just fine. That feeling of relief when the nurse came out and said he was here, having a little trouble breathing, but someone would be out shortly to show us up to the NICU. A sinking feeling, like drowning slowly, as those minutes lengthened and we were left standing and wondering. Trying to grasp the look on the doctor’s face as he came through those doors, his words “I’m so sorry, so sorry”, echoing in my head.

Two years since I last held you in my arms. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you, but your birthday is the hardest. When your little brother sits in his swing by your memorial garden, I watch him. He sometimes makes noises that sound like he is carrying on an entire conversation with someone, his back to me. Other times, he gazes up into the top of a tree and the most beatific smile spreads across his entire face and I know. I know you are there with him. You make a perfect guardian angel. It may not have been the choice we would have made for you, but I trust God. He knows a bit more than I do.

I love you Collin Michael. And although I miss you daily, I know that when my time comes to enter the long darkness you will be there. My bright beacon, my candle in the night, to guide me to the light.


(picture credit to ~ethereal-forest303 from Deviant Art)

WW~In Memory Of Chelsea King “To live in hearts we leave behind Is not to die”

“Once you have mastered time, you will understand how true it is that most people overestimate what they can accomplish in a year – and underestimate what they can achieve in a decade!”

Tomorrow begins the end of a decade. It seems to me, upon reflection, this has been one of my most amazing decades. Both good and bad, it has been a decade of change.

We rang in this decade at Great’s cabin. All the family together as we hadn’t been in years and haven’t been since. Aunts uncles, nieces, nephews, grandparents, greats altogether just in case the world came crashing down (Y2K) gathered in that tiny cabin in the woods. The world didn’t end, but we had a great party and a wonderful time visiting.

This decade has seen all three of my children age into adulthood; three graduations, three 18th birthdays and three beautiful, successful children become adults. This decade two of them started their own families, separate lives with their special someone. Two beautiful weddings; each unique and perfect for their own participants. And now at the end of this decade, I am the mother of all adults. No longer children, beginning to count their own decades.

This decade brought an end to our time in our home on Honey Water, the home never occupied by anyone but our family since 1998 and burned in the great fires of October 2007. Nothing left but a bit of shell, visited by us and mourned by us. A decade in which, Mr. Vixen underwent a life changing (and yet still undiagnosed) illness and the beginning of my learning to live my life with another person with depressive bi-polar disorder. The beginning of panic attacks and knee surguries and loss of jobs. A once productive and hard working soul, stuck in a body denying him what he wanted to do (support his family) and thus creating a demon in his head he cannot shake.

A decade in which we celebrated our landmark 25th wedding anniversary. And a decade in which we went from making the most money we had ever made in our lives together to the lowest position we have ever found ourselves. From helping our kids, to begging for help for ourselves. Losing our home, being evicted, and learning the ins and outs of the social welfare system. A time of many wonderful pool parties and hot tub get togethers and a time of food stamps and no health care. During this decade I have gone from working two full time jobs at the same time, to being unemployed or disabled.

This past decade has brought me the joys of grandchildren and the sorrows of loss. Joy and blessings in the births of  Ladybug and Butterball. Grief and heartache attending the funeral of my grandson and after Ladybugs strokes and subsequent seizures. From healthy kids and miracle recoveries; to necrotizing fasciitis and begging a child to keep fighting and live. Ten years of wonderful work with some terrific people and the end of that era with a financial catastrophe across our nation.

With this decade, I have finally let go of toxic relationships that dragged me down for years; but found a new community which has lifted me up in its arms with support, love and compassion of a depth I haven’t known since childhood.

Alas, this decade has also brought the ages of time for me and just as my body doesn’t respond as quickly as it used to, my mind may not be as keen as it was (although I will not admit that again). So I am sure my children will have much to add in this reminiscence and chide me for some important event forgotten. That is okay, I like it that way!

It is my wish that each and every one of you celebrate safely and happily; that 2010 brings you more joy and happiness; and that the next decade be kind to all of us.

2010 will bring about a new twist for ApronFrenzy, thanks to the help of a friend, and the expectation of another addition (RolyPoly) in the grandchild column in April. Both pretty exciting if you ask me!

I hope you will continue to share my journey with me, as I chase life down the rabbit hole.

October 15th, 2009 7pm

Softly the leaves of memory fall
Gently I gather and treasure them all,
Unseen, unheard you are always near,
So missed, so loved, so very dear.
No longer in our lives to share,
But in our hearts you’re always there


National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

Wave of Light

Remembering 9/11

I am feeling especially over emotional lately, so I was unable to come up with something for today’s remembrance. This day touches me so deeply. Here is my post from 2007:

Remembering 9/11

WW~ Messages To Heaven (Collin’s Memorial 8/9/09)


Some people only dream of Angels, we held one in our arms

A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam. And for a brief moment, Its glory and beauty belong to our world…But then it flies on again, And though we wish it could have stayed, We feel so lucky to have seen it.

IMG_0946a Loved with a love beyond telling, missed with a grief beyond all tears

Collin Michael Acord

August 9, 2008

I See The Storm Gathering

I see the storm approaching this time. No surprises, I think. Before we were unprepared, we didn’t even know what had hit us at first. We were blind sided and knocked out cold. But now, the skies have cleared a bit and I can see the storm coming. Relentlessly, it bears down upon me and I watch as it hits the rickety repairs we have made around our hearts. I stand, transfixed, as it rips at the foundation we have laid in the last year. I want to run and hide. I want to find a shelter where it cannot touch us. I want to be like the eagle, I really do.

Did you know that an eagle knows when a storm is approaching long before it breaks? The eagle will fly to some high spot and wait for the winds to come. When the storm hits, it sets its wings so that the wind will pick it up and lift it above the storm. While the storm rages below, the eagle is soaring above it. The eagle does not escape the storm. It simply uses the storm to lift it higher. It rises on the winds that bring the storm.

Old grief, new grief. Grief that never left for some. New scars, old scars. Wounds ripped open and new ones being created. I want to fly above it all, yet I want to be there. In the middle of the storm. Passing sandbags to shore up weak hearts. Boarding up the windows on our souls. Mopping up the torrential downpour so no one slips and falls into the abyss. Collecting blankets to keep us warm during the flood of pain. Handing out first aid supplies to stave of infections of the heart. Building shelters to minimize destruction of our psyches.

Or just…..

Turning back time, so it never came.

Endlessly, it seems, the storm crashes over us. I cannot see where we are headed, but I know if we just hang on we may find the light on the other side of the clouds. I’ll just keep them moving along with me. After all, the storm will blow itself out eventually…..

I hope.

And Collin, I know you are in heaven watching us fumble along through this and I love you.

Madeline Alice Spohr

If you see this, it’s 2:30 Tuesday and I am at Maddie’s service.


So Many Thoughts, So Few Words

Sometimes things get to be too much. The pressure of every day life seems heavier and harder to carry. This has been a difficult year for me, in many ways and it continues to be so. I have been laid up and knocked out for the last few days after somehow throwing out my back (no, it could not have been picking up a slightly heavy 3-year-old with a full leg cast).

In spite of the feelings of pain and new suffering and sadness this week (God Bless you little angel, Grama will meet you in Heaven some day , tell Collin I love him too) I seem to feel some hope. Hope for what I am not sure, it is just a sense of well-being that seems incongruous to the state of my life right now, but is unshakeable all the same.

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