Category: Watermelon (Page 1 of 4)

All endings are also beginnings. We just don’t know it at the time


I remember the day Ladybug started kindergarten. I took the morning off work, we put her on the bus and then her mother and I drove as fast as we could to the IMG_0946aschool to meet her and walk her to class. My first granddaughter started school.

This year, Watermelon would have started kindergarten. My first grandson. Another first added to the scrapbook in my mind. First smile, first step, first words, first day of school. All those firsts that can only exist in our imagination and wishes.

I remember him in perfection. I envy his utter joy and peace in Heaven. I have complete faith that I will see him again and it will be glorious. But I suffer while I wait. My arms ache to swing him up into my arms and cradle his body against me.


Not any easier than the others.

Happy Birthday, Collin. Grandma loves you.

The Fourth Year

Collin Michael 8/9/08
Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you.
Love, Grandma

Always Remembering

Today is October 15th,Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Light a candle at 7pm, tonight and join us all in remembrance of those gone too soon.

Stop by Band Back Together’s Wall Of Remembrance and show some love and support for those who have lost.


August 9

The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination.

My mind is an emotional explosion today. I just spent the most amazing three days at Blogher’11; experiencing the most vast array of emotions and experiences you could pack into such a short time. I have so much to share. Some truly amazing experiences I will share with you over the next while, including dinner last evening with two amazing women (whom I had never met before), that was probably the best experience of the entire convention.

Not surprisingly, I was particularly moved by certain aspects during the week, that had to do with grief, loss and the heartfelt support some of us have received from this amazing community. The reason it is not so surprising, is that tomorrow is three years since Watermelon came into our lives and just as suddenly left; leaving us lost, bereft and heartbroken. Today we are having our annual memorial and balloon release and during the conference that was always in my mind, no matter how distracted I was.

There is a lot to process, so much new insight and new questions about this process of love and loss. I just want to thank everyone who has (and still are) helping me on this journey. Three years is a long time. Three years is a short time. An eternity and yesterday. Fresh and old. Who knows how long this takes? Five years? Never? Tomorrow? I don’t know. but I do know that I couldn’t have come this far in the journey without your love, support and understanding. We are an amazing tribe, aren’t we?

I am going to send another message to heaven today, tied to a balloon, and watch it drift above until it disappears from my site.  I am not just writing to Collin though, this year I want to reach out to others up there, remember them and the amazing women who’s lives they touched: Maddie, Boo, Christine and many others. If I met you this weekend, shook your hand, or hugged you….just know that today I am again thinking of you and that touch/hug. Bless you all.

Every baby born into the world is a finer one than the last

Today we participated in the March of Dimes March for Babies to help raise money for babies born too early. We exceeded our team fund raising goal and, I think, honored our beloved Collin. All in all, quite a success.

WW~Marching On Saturday & Would Love Your Support

Been a little crazy up in here

Lots to share, no time to do it….but I will soon I promise!

Meanwhile, if you can I would appreciate any support. I am walking in remembrance of my dear Collin for all the little babies:

Only Happy Tears

This song is just so beautiful…when Dolly’s voice joins in on the chorus if give me goose bumps. The lyrics are so uplifting and lovely, I shared them below the video. Happy Sunday.

When I get where I’m going
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I’m gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.

I’m gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it’s like
To ride a drop of rain

Yeah when I get where I’m going,
there’ll be only happy tears.
I will shed the sins and struggles,
I have carried all these years.
And I’ll leave my heart wide open,
I will love and have no fear.
Yeah when I get where I’m going,
Don’t cry for me down here.

I’m gonna walk with my grandaddy,
and he’ll match me step for step,
and I’ll tell him how I missed him,
every minute since he left.
Then I’ll hug his neck.

So much pain and so much darkness,
in this world we stumble through.
All these questions, I can’t answer,
so much work to do.

But when I get where I’m going,
and I see my Maker’s face.
I’ll stand forever in the light,
of His amazing grace.
Yeah when I get where I’m going,
Yeah when I get where I’m going,
there’ll be only happy tears.
I will love and have no fear.
When I get where I’m going.
Yeah when I get where I’m going.

My Candle In The Night

Some days still, I have flashback moments. Submerged in the feeling, the sensation, the moment. The sound of panic and fear in her voice when she called. The frustration while running down the hall alongside the gurney that I couldn’t get her earrings out for her. Holding my son’s face between my hands and looking deeply into his eyes, telling him firmly that everything was going to be all right. I truly believed that it would be, babies are born earlier than 34 weeks and do just fine. That feeling of relief when the nurse came out and said he was here, having a little trouble breathing, but someone would be out shortly to show us up to the NICU. A sinking feeling, like drowning slowly, as those minutes lengthened and we were left standing and wondering. Trying to grasp the look on the doctor’s face as he came through those doors, his words “I’m so sorry, so sorry”, echoing in my head.

Two years since I last held you in my arms. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you, but your birthday is the hardest. When your little brother sits in his swing by your memorial garden, I watch him. He sometimes makes noises that sound like he is carrying on an entire conversation with someone, his back to me. Other times, he gazes up into the top of a tree and the most beatific smile spreads across his entire face and I know. I know you are there with him. You make a perfect guardian angel. It may not have been the choice we would have made for you, but I trust God. He knows a bit more than I do.

I love you Collin Michael. And although I miss you daily, I know that when my time comes to enter the long darkness you will be there. My bright beacon, my candle in the night, to guide me to the light.


(picture credit to ~ethereal-forest303 from Deviant Art)

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